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JOURNEY.

when you take on a journey in which many might not have been supportive of, every inches you move, it's all your will. the sands that caught up in your eyes, the soil that sticks to your shoe. they dragged you along as the wind go against you as you head towards somewhere nobody else's would have gone.

you see people reaching there, yet you feel all alone. you needed that much effort before you can reach there just like the others. where have the others gone? they'd turned and retreated. some, they reached. others, they backed.

here you are, taking the journey where you know there's no return. in fact, you don't want to return. for you have seen, what others couldn't. for you have felt, what others failed to feel.

you know where you're going.

CHRISTMAS AFTER THOUGHTS.

hey there peeps. heh. how have you been? how was christmas?! here i am packing my room. yea i'm half way done but suddenly feel the urge to blog. miss me? haha.

anyway, i came across these few stacks of a level notes. economics.. chemistry.. c maths.. gp. sigh. all of a sudden, i feel depressed again. my head is once again stuffed with so much thoughts. i really wonder what i wanna do in the future. damn. i really feel like dumping that whole lot of notes into the trash but i can't. instead, i stuffed all of them up in one of my cabinets that i'd never opened for months. yea, i'm hiding it away.

all of it.

but how long can i hide them away from me? sigh. oh yea, i'm gonna change my layout soon. haha. christmas pictures are coming your way too!

heh see ya around peeps!

1 WAY TO SPEND YOUR XMAS EVE.

yea by reading my blogg. haha! you're punk'd!

!#$%^&*@

guess what. what? heh it's christmas eve!

awesome...

so what's up with you eh? how're you gonna spend your christmas eve? i'm gonna have a parrtyy at fel's house later. heh. oh ya, my dad bought me a new digicam. it's awesome can. it has 6X optical zoooommm. 4X digital zoom. yea, now you see it. a totaly of 24X zoom/s. it's freaking awesome. oh ya, its mega pixels is just 4.0 la but it's okay. the functions are simply irresistable. what's the brand? panasonic lumix. (:

awwww...

okay okay right now at javin's house. yes! we're gonna head out to the nearby supermarket and then buy the foodstuffs that we're gonna prepare and bring to fel's house laterr. but right now eating breakfast what, so i take a bit of time to blogg for youuu. eh? thanks thanks. i know i know i'm sweet. ah.. don't kiss me.

ahhhh.. merrry christmas eve to all of you readers.

it's parrty time.

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MERRY XMAS.



This is not an advertorial. Haha.

Merry Christmas!!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

hello hello!

well you all know what? yes! christmas is coming~ woohoo. yay yay.

wow.

freakingly surprised but yes, the year is coming to an end. what a lovely year, i must say. so much ups and downs and downs that had happened basically added so much colors and tones to my life.

well, life is interesting.

how is yours? i bet yours just is as colored as mine. probably a little more greys here and there? well, it's okay. mine is almost black coz the tones are too dark!

oh wells.

had you shopped for your christmas gifts for people already? oh you better get going alright coz this sunday is christmas! gawd i love christmas

and christmas trees.

so beautiful yea? heh. i know it is. and i know you'd agreed. (smile)

happy holidays!

MY DOG'S THIRD EYE
By Fel (Guest blogger for today)

Maltin, my sister's boyfriend, has been able to see weird stuff since he was young. He played this witch craft 'game' once and ever since then he could see spirits' and even human auras. He had an interesting conversation with my dog the other day. All this while, he detected two black auras in my room. One near my stereo and one in my cupboard. So he decided to ask my dog about it.

"Hey Glitz, You can see things right?"

Glitz, who was lying on bed at that moment, used eye contact to communicate with him. She looked at him and blinked her eyes.

"Do you know where they are?"

She then looked at him and blinked her eyes again. After that, she looked towards my stereo, faced Maltin and blinked again. Following that, she looked towards my cupboard, faced Maltin and blinked once more.

"See! I told you!" Maltin said to my sister.

But Glitz was not done.

She looked towards the corner of my double decked bed, faced Maltin and blinked again.

"What?? There's one more?!"

Blink.

By then, my sister was so freaked out so she decided to leave the room.

"Shit! They're following us!"

Bottom line is, my dog is damn smart. LOL.

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WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

when i cast all my thoughts away and decided to just pretend that i know nothing about what's going on in my life. hmmz. i still feel unhappy lar. haha. well, where am i heading right now?

i don't really know.

im drifting aimlessly, just feeling my way through this thick undergrowth coz no matter how i try, i can't get up.

i can't get out of this mess.

probably you won't understand what the heck am i trying to say. probably you wouldn't care yea? lol. it's alright. i'm just doing my random rambling that i like to do occasionally. whaha.

you know where you're heading?

tell me 'bout it.

MY PRESENT FOR YOU.

hola!



xmas is coming.

my birthday is also coming.

so what?

get me a present.

ya.

TO BE.

the words good bye. it holds both an end and yet a beginning. we bid good bye to the ones we love. we bid good bye to the strangers we'd met. the moments that were once alive passed, leaving mere memories to be lived upon. meaningful words like forever and love. yet always defeated by the symbolic word called good bye.

without an end, where will there be a beginning. without the good byes, where will there be a next time.

fate has its way with us. but alas, all that's meant to be will be.

and all that's fated.

will be fated.

to be.

LET THE FACADE LEAD THE WAY.

to tell you the truth. i've been staring at this empty space for very longg. there's a lot on my mind. i'd been trying to sort them out. but it's not very easy yea? i'm complicated. don't believe? ah you better keep away from me. the fact that i'm talking to you means i'm probably trying to figure out ways to lure you to some dark corners in the streets and start sucking your blood. right.

lol.

the different faces are scaring me. the fact that a person can be so many people at the same time makes me doubt if i'm speaking to the one that's real. or am i just facing some mindless facade that aims to lead me to nowhere. hmm. told you it's complicating.

okay. blogg later.

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A HOLE IN MY HEAD.

i ought to be ashamed. i'd actually pointed a gun at my friend. damn it. what the fuck am i trying to achieve? the gun should have been pointed in my direction instead.

just make a hole in my head will you?

guilt is coarsing through me like dirrty blood in my veins. contaminated mindsets, desensitized empathy tools. go and die edison. please. making you live one more day is pretty much like bringing humanity progression to a halt. you evil being. go to hell can?

i'm sorry. i guess that's why you'd seemingly drifted further away from me. how bastardly can i become? i don't know. i'd just woke up today. how venomous my mouth has become. omg. i can't imagine.

insecurity's made me whom i'd become. in fact, i had the choice. i chose to be this fucking idiot who thinks that he was the only thing that mattered. selfish bastard. ugh. what the fuck? gawd what have i done? when i finally thought i had done the right things.

in fact, i did it all wrong again.

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HEY BABE.

hey babe. yea. today i'm not in the moodd to blog. i'm so sorry. i'm feeling really jumpy and i have no idea why. maybe i laughed too much this afternoon. ya right. like i'll be laughing in my police uniform while i'm working. oh please. i'm a very serious person.

hahaha. lame shit.

okay, i shall blogg tomorrow liao. whaha. good night babe.

oh by the way

can somebody tell me what she is doing?

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OPERATION KILL ELEPHANT.

songfest 2004. yupz. my band joined and we freaking won the 1st runner up for the competition. whaha. apparantly, we were the only band that sang our own composition. it's called "catch a falling star".

awww....

i still remember that when we first heard about the competition, we were just rambling nonsense about joining it. yupz, i went home got my guitar and started strumming randomly. lyrics appeared in my head. haha. kidding. i wrote it out after thoughts la. duh.

and the next day, we all gathered in the bandroom. with only an electric guitar there. i did the demo. apparantly, we decided to use the song after changing some of the lyrics. haha.

our appointment was set. fel was the lead singer. i was the lead guitarist. ko was playing the bass. kw was the drummer. and mind you, our drummer is professional alright! whaha.

we didn't practise. probably we did a bit. but definitely not enough. we heck care and just went for the audition. damn it.

we got in. hahaha. hahaha.

and once again, we didn't turn up for any rehearsals until the very last one which the teacher threatened to disqualify us for not attending any rehearsals. i was damn sad. kw and i were the ones present. ko and fel got things on. -.-! omg. i talked to the teacher, pleaded, begged. whatever it is. eventually, the both of us got up stage performed and left in relief.

we didn't get disqualified.

the day before the competition. we jammed at kw's friend house. we added the bridge on that day. jammed till the night and went home.

the big day.



we were damn excited. see our happy faces? oie. don't laugh at my hair. still laughing? ugh damn you!

anyway, behind the happy faces. we were fearful. yes. WE WERE BLARDY HELL SCARED CAN. whatever right?



but still, we remained calm and did our job.

towards the end when they were announcing the winners. we were actually quite sad coz we felt that we didn't do well at all. but secretly, deep inside. we hoped for a place.

...and the first runner up is Operation Kill Elephant!!!

omg.



we were freaking surprised! we rushed up the stage and shook hand with yes. Dennis Keller. she had that funny poodle hair that day. okay maybe not exactly poodle but she had a bad hair day. fuck it! we don't care coz we won!

anyway, God bless you.

Amen.

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THE PROCESS OF MAKING A LOGO.

i ransacked my folders just now and i found some logos that i did quite some time ago. since i'd never used them hmm.. i might as well post them up for you guys to see. haha.

firstly, i started with a 2D image made up of some wordings and patterns.



and then i filtered the existing image into something like this! of coz i colored it all blue before filtering.



well what did i do then. hmm. i texturised it. lol.



and last of all, i put a simple lighting effect and...



tada!

ANOTHER FUCKING DAY AT WORK.

it sucks to wake up early in the morning right? especially when we have to drag ourselves out of bed with the sole intention to fight off that bedridden symptom caused by "another fucking day at work" syndrome. okay okay i know it does not apply to all of you but there is always the "another fucking day in school" syndrome! quit pickin' on me will you? i'm fustrated enough already.

so how do we overcome this syndrome that most of us face? hmm. simple, freaking start liking your job, school whatever fuck it may be. yea. love it can and you shall reap the harvest in the near future.

right.

anyway, what the fuck is wrong with work? hmm. actually there's nothing much to complain about right? we're paid. yea. we're freaking paid to work. so quit complaining! huh? no i'm not complaining about my job. i love mine okay. i'm tell you to quit complaining. ah-ha! don't pick on me now. i'm not... okay whatever.

when you wake up in the morning, tell yourself. fuck it and don't be such a lazy klutz and dread work. wake up and be happy that you're still employed and still receiving money at the end of every freaking month. ooo. now i hear those multi-level marketing people start preaching about not having to fear losing job.. extra income.. whatever it is. we're not talking about that now.

wake up people! strive towards something at work, in school, whatever. work hard and you shall be rewarded. but that's only if your boss is not some fucked-up cheebye or gugu jiao that don't recognise good work. if your boss happen to be one of those fucked-up cheebye or gugu jiao. quit the job and start sulking.

i'm just kidding. hahaha. hahaha.

okay okay. moral of the entry. be positive about your work. it's your job. come on. how bad it is all depends on your attitude. if it's a screwed up job, unscrew it with your attitude.

cheers!

CAPRICORNS.

did you know that the zodiac capricorn is an earth sign? ah, if you don't. Now you know. yea you must be thinking what the hell i say this for. well, all i can say is that i like it what. ah ha. kidding. i'm just saying it coz i'm a capricorn.

attributes of a capricorn based on my own analysis: they are down-to-earth, damn practical, stable, honest, clever, attractive, artistic. lol. rubbish. you can go find out about the attributes easily online. they always say the same old stuffs.

but one thing you never heard of is that people of this particular sign secretly wished they were some other signs.

believe it or not?

THE ONE.



hey the one. are you reading this? heh. that's good. coz i've been waiting for you. where have you been all these while?! it hadn't been good having to be alone and to wake up everyday, hoping you'll appear.

how have you been? feeling the same as me? you have been looking for me? sigh, i've been waiting for you.

hold my hand can? yea, it feels right. you feel like safe right? heh. me too. no, i'm not gonna let you go. i will take care of you for the rest of your life.

hmm. so you like britney spears?

silence.

what about boA?

ring.

oh fuck. don't tell me i'm dreaming. fuck. i am dreaming! ugh.

fuck.

BOLD&DELICIOUS.

hey there. sorry this is going to be a short one. but hey no worries, i'm blogging everyday. so who cares if it's short or long right? oh you like my entries.

aww...

anyway, i'm totally into japanese nowadays. freak. ayumi hamasaki, boA. so tempting. and japanese songs are superb. i didn't know until recently when i re-exposed myself to j-pop. ah. go listen to ayumi hamasaki's bold&delicious.

stunning.

SAVE ME.

hey my dear friends. i think i'd screwed up my life pretty badly these couple of months. in fact, i think it's probably all my life. and i really wanna get things right once and for all. but the problem is that i duno how! -.-

i really need some advice. i want to bare myself. there's so many things i'm afraid of doing. and there's so many things i wanna tell somebody. how it hurts to have realised how screwed up i'd been and how much i long to make things right.

hey i'm a really messy person. so at times or i think most of the time i dun reply on msn or whatsoever. please understand. i dun wanna screw up more things. that's why i'm always not doing any. in fact, i always run away. avoiding. pretending not to notice. ugh. so loser right? hai i know.

i need time to sort out my thoughts. to get things right. but, i duno what's right. really. and the right stuffs are always so painful to do. so shld i do the right things or commit the sins? sigh.

i wish somebody can enlighten me. can show me the way. tell me although it's painful to do the right things at times, but eventually. you'll get your karma. haha. okay nobody's gonna tell me that i know. not everybody believes in karma. do i? hmm probably.

ahhh. show me the way dude. God save me please.

FORBIDDEN LOVE.

being able accomplish something is to me the best feeling i can get from my life. ahha. coz today, i'd just successfully finished composing my first ever rock song "forbidden love". before you start thinking that the title is very cheesy, please read the lyrics first. thank you. coz it's not cheesy at all. so not cheesy alrite.

anyway, i'm really keen of forming a rock band. yes. i need someone who drums, someone who does bass guitar. i've already got someone gifted in keyboards which is none other than fel and myself who plays the electric guitar. anyway, whoever's interested please contact me!!! i can't wait to go jam. oh wells.

may the rock be with you.

OKM.

omg. can somebody show me the way to heaven? i'm trapped in living hell. mortality is exposing me to so much evil and greed. lust. gluttony. ugh. i'm better off dead. -.-!

what's with the symptoms of being psychologically malfunctioning? i think i'm like having depression or something. ugh. i'm just kidding. it's just. can something big bloody hell happen?!

i need a revelation. i need a new resolution. but it's so stagnant. so routined. everyday's just like every other day. that's not very good. 'cause i don't wanna be shouting radical comments on the streets and hoping someone will actually feel the same. oh, someone do feel the same as i do. fel.

but that's not the point. because both of us need changes. to get out of this system. maybe i should invent some virus and inject into this ever-so-practical system of humanity.

ugh. let's start another genocide. this time we'll target mankind as a whole. let's call this OKM.

OPERATION KILL MANKIND.

okay it sounds stupid. nvm. we'll just leave the job to the terrorists then.

whatever.

NEHNY CHRISTMAS.

ah christmas is round that freaking corner! omg. it's like the most happening season festival that i'd anticipated since the start of year 2005. hahaha! it's coming! santa's coming! i can see turkeys flying already. ooO.

me and fel decided to hold a christmas party on 24th dec 2005. it's christmas eve~ and we're going out one fine day to go christmas shopping! amazing. a year has passed in a freaking blink. i still can't believe i'm actually halfway done with my ns. lol.

well, we've discussed about the party and all we have to do now is to allocate the different tasks to each and every person that will be involved! but all's in the progress. haha. procrastination.

opps. sorry to tell you but my eyes are really tired already. they actually feel heavy! hmmz. better go get my handsome sleep already. (:

oh ya, you like my new layout? no? screw you then.

you neh neh pok. :P

BOYCOTT MSN.

i've decided to boycott msn. c'mon people, wake up! it's evil alright. we've spent so many hours online but what exactly are we doing? freaking nothing! ugh. i'm not gonna remain a slacker who stares at the computer for freaking hours. it's like lying on the desert suntanning. only that you don't get tanned from staying online for freaking hours. do you? hmm.

anyway, let's all not come online anymore alright? (: at least i'll try hard. i wanna be a good boy already. well, i will still blog. ah you're not gonna stop me from doing this. no no, you're not gonna convince me coz i'd long convinced myself that blogging is fun. ah shucks. whatever.

i think i'm a sad being trapped in this shell that i would like to name edison. freakingly handsome and stunningly attractive. but no, i feel constrained. freakingly restricted. i know you're thinking why i keep freaking here and there. ugh. freaking is just freakingly interesting yea? no? i'll freaking punch your freaking face then.

ever seen a freakingly handsome being? wanna see? ok then. i shall grant you your silly wish. (:



oh so cute.

GREY.

when we've fallen. there are times of doubts. there is a lack of conviction in whatever we do. and when we looked inside ourselves. we see shades of grey that would have been prettier if some colors were present.

we dream of wonders in life. the hope that sustain our dreams. the fire that light up our lives. we ought to be appreciative of those that stood by. they are the ones that we depended on. the ones that took our hearts and gave them life.

when we fall into the darkness. it's like we're lost within ourselves. enchanted by the beauty of loneliness. for in solitaire, judgement's on a secondary mission. for the primary purpose of being alone, is to recover. reality is fast-paced.

at times when you feel out of breath, step out. give yourself time. because sometimes.

it's okay to be normal.

YOU CHEEKY THING.

now i'm beginning to think what's the big deal about being single. at least i'm free. right? right? yes. i knew you'd agree with me. (smiles)

i'm not gonna think about such stupid irrelevancy anymore. it's just sooo stuupid. oh yea you cheeky thing. you agree. (smiles again)

i tell you. i'd watched a few amazing flicks that you cheeky thing ought to catch too.

harry potter and the goblet of fira. those that read the book, i'm sorry but it's gonna disappoint you. but to those who hadn't read it, you're in for a treat.

just like heaven. this is a freaking good moovie. it holds so much meaning beyond that cheesy-ness.

prime. love is expressive. that's all i can say.

oh yea, be sure to watch those with your lovey dovey. the movies mentioned are (clears throat and smile) all about love.

you cheeky thing.

JULIET CUM EDISON.

there is no freaking logic in many many things that i've encountered since the day you went away. ah rubbish. you're the illogical thing that i've met. bleah.

i'm bothered.

bothered by the fact that i am still single even though i darely pronounced that SINGLEHOOD IS BAD FOR HEALTH. ah-ha. i remained single for another day. woohooo. it feels so good i feel like crashing some econs lecture!

my media player is currently playing zoe tay's song. omg. laugh all you want coz i don't care. i can freaking blast the song on my hi-fi so my whole block can hear zoe tay sing. cannot?

go and die lor.

bah. harry potter's on later with romeo and juliet. i am the bulb lar. duh. if add me into the title will become what? romeo and juliet cum edison. woooo.

so nice.

i promised my sister to bring her to watch harry on friday. ah-ha. can la. not like harry really so boring right? no? yes? whatever.

okay, i've said what i want to say for today. hmm. bored by my entry? ah-ha.

whatever.

SINGLEHOOD IS BAD FOR HEALTH.

it's like waves crashing into me and at that sudden moment, i felt like i couldn't breathe. i know it's stupid to be thinking that singlehood is bad for health, but i just can't get over the fact that i feel lonely. i'm such an ass.

it seems so easy for people to fall in love and love somebody. why can't i do that too? apparantly, i feel nothing for anything around. ugh. it feels like i'm standing in the middle of a crowd of super chio girls and none of them make my heart skip a bit. hmm. probably because i'm gay. rightt..

i wish somebody could get me out of this misery of being so lonely because i feel so tired to even try and save myself. i'd always been filling up my always fun-filled life with tons of games like Hack ver.1 which i freaking completed in like 3 playing days and currently Kingdom of Hearts which apparantly is such a drag because i can't solve those stupid puzzles of finding clues in 3-D maps! ugh.

oh man, can somebody tell me why i am always so anti-social? apparantly, i always keep my mouth shut when i ought to speak a little more. it's tiring to entertain, but it's worse to think too much. when i move my mouth, my brain don't brood over those dumbass issues that's affecting me like siao. yes. probably i should just start babbling to everybody i see so i can subconsciously detach myself from these horrible life-draining chips in my brain.

to whom it may concern: if anybody has PS2 Hack ver.2, can please lend me that freaking game? i'm dying to continue the story. those stupid creators segmented the games into versions! wtf okay. cheers.

life is so beautiful.

right.

FADED.

it was that day
when i asked myself

what had i done with
my life.

i was startled.
unsure of the aching feeling

deep inside.
i knew that i fear

for pain was the last thing
i wanted to feel again.

when i think back
it scares me.

i felt nothing for so long.
even your breath seems

to be some pretended
effort to make me

feel alive.
instead, i was drained.

so empty.

hope.
i guess it doesn't matter

because i no longer trust
not even myself.

the people i shunned
those i depended on.

i can't look in the mirror
can't stand that smile.

it seems forced.
more like agony

than laughter.
like a joke,

i was played.
maybe life's cruel.

or maybe
i'm just misfortunate.

even my lines
gotta give way.

i wished i could tell
somebody.

how it aches.
so hurtful it numbs

when i looked to my side
i see your face.

you're smiling.
your hand wiped away

my tears.
i blinked.

once.
twice.

there i see.
a lonesome figure.

so distant from me.
i'm invisible.

already.

faded.

COME READ THIS YOU DUMBASS.

who are you bitch!
who are you

why the fuck do i even care
i don't know how

or maybe you did
put a spell on me.

why do i get
so freaking affected!

i hate it
when i read your blog.

it sucks alright.

i hate being the one
left behind

and i hate
listening to sad songs

but the freaking happy songs
make me feel worse

so i ended up listening to
stupid sad songs.

yea they pacify me.
and you suck.

did i mention that previously?
oh yes i did

and many many times before
because you do suck!

you freaking idiotic dumb
bitch.

i hate you.

PIECES OF LOVE.

it was a rather peaceful moment
torn under the raging sea.

for it silences the noises
whimpers of fears.

courage was optional
for fear did not exist.

it's a conjuration
of fallen debris in your heart.

for it didn't matter
if mine was torn apart.

the hold was tight
my faith was strong

that singular action
altered the very course of life.

inevitably brokened
many, many pieces of love.

the emptiness
residing in this shell.

i'd forgotten what pain felt.

no longer see
silence was peace.

because it no longer matters
if hope was bleak.

a soft tap on the table
an end to the story.

when you turn back to see
love.

it never exist.

A DREAM IT'LL ALWAYS BE.

recently, i'm very attracted to black.
it's home,

i feel.
for there's nothing much in there.

a trench of nothingness,
a representation of an oblivion.

i'm trapped in a shell,
limited by its futile comparability.

because i'd a premonition;
of a no sense behavior.

i'm pretending,
can't you see?

a smile that sought to be,
a connection to this world.

i'm always behind this,
never quite close.

it hurts,
i don't belong.

it's a delusion i can't comprehend.
a feeling that consumes my faith.

i'm faithless already.
though i still hold on to my dreams.

i'm hopeful.
i'm sincere.

but i'm damned to be.
never was i lucky enough.

because there's no angels nor demons.
for there's nothing for me.

a lonesome soul,
that drifts in stillness.

a person never quite understood.
i'm judged by my own facade.

fuck you all,
for i'm not like that.

never was i quite like me.
because you'd never seen,

the fucking real me.
damn you,

if you think you knew.
for i'm not someone quite like anyone.

i laugh for i'd nothing to say.
i smile for i'd nothing to show.

a true self never revealed,
a mistaken identity i carry.

stupid people,
fuck your ignorance.

there was never a day the sky was white and blue.
for it's just a dream.

a dream, it'll always be.

EXTREME CONVERSATION.

gerald... says:
hey jude

whiteskyblue.blogspot.com [all about love] says:
hey geraldine

gerald... says:
judette

whiteskyblue.blogspot.com [all about love] says:
geraldinian

gerald... says:
edimeloson

whiteskyblue.blogspot.com [all about love] says:
geraldinianim

gerald... says:
eddy

whiteskyblue.blogspot.com [all about love] says:
ger

gerald... says:
edi-san

whiteskyblue.blogspot.com [all about love] says:
germaine

gerald... says:
edi-sama-roti-plata

whiteskyblue.blogspot.com [all about love] says:
ger-mee-goreng-add-egg

gerald... says:
edi's-such-a-retard

whiteskyblue.blogspot.com [all about love] says:
ger-is-no-better

gerald... says:
edi's-nonsense-must-stop

whiteskyblue.blogspot.com [all about love] says:
ger-i-am-going-to-blog-tis-conversation

gerald... says:
edi-better-dont-or-else-ger-is-not-gg-to-talk-to-u-poo

whiteskyblue.blogspot.com [all about love] says:
ger-why-cannot-it-is-so-interesting-i-dun-care

gerald... says:
edi-fine-loh-mee

whiteskyblue.blogspot.com [all about love] says:
ger-haha-m

gerald... says:
edi-goooooo-gooooo

gerald... says:
eh eh eh eh

gerald... says:
stop already

whiteskyblue.blogspot.com [all about love] says:
lol

gerald... says:
u better dont

whiteskyblue.blogspot.com [all about love] says:
haha alrite la

BECAUSE.

promises are broken.
truth became lies.

words are made up.
feelings never existed.

crying don't help.
tears are fake.

i am strong.
you are weak.

i believe.
you don't.

sincerity is exploited.
kindness is stupid.

it's you.
it's your fault.

you are insecured.
you are unworthy.

i'm affected.
i'd opened my heart.

i trusted.
i forgave.

i overlooked.
i ignored.

i thought.
fuck. i thought.

there's no because.
simply because.

you suck.

"WILL YOU WAIT FOR ME."

coincidental or was it on purpose
the way he walked over the trench.

like a traveller carrying his burden
in his mind, he thinks of where he's heading.

way too focused on what's ahead
didn't he noticed the girl by his side?

quietly she walked with him
all she wanted was him to take a look.

look at me, she whispered in her heart.
but the weight only gets heavier.

his steps multiplied, leading into a chase.
she fell down. didn't have the strength to get up.

he never once turned back
in his eyes, there was only what's lying ahead.

she looked ahead to see what he's looking.
it was then she realised, it isn't her he's looking for.

she wished she was the one for him
the way that he was the only for her.

he was the sun that lights up her way.
the mountain that she could depend on.

she watched as he disappeared into the distant.
she felt tears rolling silently down her cheeks.

she realised
it wasn't him that left her.

it was her who couldn't catch up.

SILENCING THAT SINGLE MOMENT.

it's in my subconscious
where i learnt my lesson.

of treasuring something
for changes is always coming.

it's painful to go
but who has the right to stay?

seconds pass
nothing to catch hold of

life is simple
it is very cruel.

moments that you'd spent
on one thing or another.

may just be a moment
you regret forever.

be silent.
listen.

maybe.
then.

you'll be heard.

YOU WERE THERE.

on 1 october 1986
a little girl was born.

she was the most beautiful baby
she has pretty pretty eyes

that sparkles in the light
the day was warmed

filled with so much laughter and glee
it was a heart-warming scene

she smiles at cartoons on tv
she giggles when she played with glitz

it's just amazing
how this little girl

brightens up
a very cloudy day

smile my baby
it's your day.

on 1 october 1986
the day was beautiful

because you were born.

AN APOLOGY. RIGHT.

*the purpose of this entry is solely to address the 'visitor' who had kindly commented on the September 26, 2005 entry: BIMBO BITCHES.

first and foremost, i would like to thank you for commenting on the entry and certainly, i would like to apologize to you if i had offended you in any way. please don't get angry and allow me to explain alright?

a diligent girl with a possibly bright future was forced to commit suicide because she felt that it was the best way out of the mental torture she was subjected to by the schoolmates. how can I not be angry when I read the article?

i'd expressed my anger on the issue of bullying on my blog because i felt that it was necessary to somehow or rather spread the news. i know i do not have a blog as popular as what others might have. however, i'm sure that my blog do have some level of viewership.

i feel that the people who are reading my blog are most probably matured enough to defend themselves when they are actually being bullied! for a matter of fact, i feel that it is NOT very easy for younger readers to decipher what i'm trying to say in the previous entry because of the usage of extremely callous and bombastic vocabularies. apparently, you having such amazing command in english that you are able to identify the fact that i am using strong words to accentuate how much i feel about the issue

and apparently, you're still alive and kicking.

according to what you had mentioned in the comments. you said that you were from one of the schools that i'd previously attended. so am i right to say that you are very close to my age?

if that is so, brother, you old enough to take care of yourself liao la. you've emerged victorious in your battle with the bullies in your early days! you are THE man can! move on and stop wallowing in self-pity alright? you WERE a victim.

now, you are free and independent.

i believe that when i'd been a bystander conforming to the rest of the students' mentality towards your behavior, i must have been a very childish and unsecured boy. i might have been aware that if i didn't conform, i would have either become a victim myself or lose my 'friends'. for this, i apologize to you sincerely. i was weak.

however, at the age of nineteen, i no longer care if i will lose my 'friends' if i stood up for someone else who is bullied by them. why? it's simply because my friends are all matured enough to understand my actions and i do believe that their guilt will engulf their bodies like flames and devour their souls like devil. or it may be simply because we've stopped playing the 'i don't friend you' game since a very very long time ago. (:

i am not a saint and i never did mention once about myself being a saint. all i did was to express how i felt when i read about a girl being driven to death. i find it very ridiculous because such things could have been avoided if the teachers were aware or the parents had done something about it. something could have been done to prevent her death!

all in all, this is just my perspective and the whole world can disagree. i don't mind about that because i am not perfect. sigh.

i'm just flawless. (:

BIMBO BITCHES.

be it societal stigma, discrimination or stereotype.

all these narrowed perspectives are the crux to the derived social problem (which is extremely rampant among adolescents in schools nowadays) called bullying.

first of all, i am very upset regarding this issue. i'd always been aware of such psychological taunts and physical torment in schools. however, i'd failed to realize that there are actually a few victims in singapore whom had turned to death as a release from their painful sufferings.

we've all been to school and i feel that i can safely assume that most of us have encountered such incidents before irregardless of us being victims, perpetrators or simply bystanders. no matter what roles we were assuming, i believe that most of us had felt the dejection from being rejected from other people before.

imagine yourself being subjected to such rejection for almost every other day in school. can you imagine how distraughted these children feel? i feel that it doesn't matter whether if they are victims or simply just incapable of socializing, these children DO NOT deserve to go through such traumas.

here's an excerpt from the new paper on sunday 'driven to death' article:

the new paper on sunday was given a peek into susan's (not her real name) diary, where she would give an account of what happened in school every day. the entries are heartbreaking and, in the light of her death, chilling.

on the 1 oct entry, for example, susan recounted how a classmate had told her if she "want to die, go die". she also recorded that one of the staff members in her school had called her a loner, which she interpreted as being someone who did not contribute to society and was a pest.

her disturbed father said, "the teacher had wrongly assessed her as a loner. i know my daughter well. i know that she was quiet in class because she didn't want to get bullied."

according to him, susan was a quiet and diligent girl who came from a neighbourhood school. she was a slim and fierce child who took things seriously and seldom voiced her concerns. she was the only daughter, and had two younger brothers that she had doted on and tutored. a results slip showed that she had good academic results and had even come in 1st in class for her sec 4 mid-terms exams.

"my daughter was a good student, but she was sensitive to people's comments. when she did well in her exams, a few students would ask her, 'why study so hard? what’s the point?' a few classmates even asked her to kill herself," claimed mr lee.

in Susan's diary, she wrote that her classmate had first asked her to kill herself when she was in sec 2. mr lee confirmed this, saying that problems started when his daughter had joined the school's military band in sec 1 and was promoted to a sergeant the following year.

he claimed, "through letters she and her friends had exchanged in sec 2, i could tell there were a lot of jealousy, gossip and politics going around. it was at this time when my daughter told me she was being bullied, and i can tell from the letters she received there were nasty comments. she had wanted to change school as well, but we had not done so in the end."

susan was so affected that for a school project in sec 3, she wrote a long and melancholic poem. it included lines such as "she couldn't understand the hate everyone felt towards her, couldn't anyone see she just didn't want to be left alone?" and "everyone stared at her like there's something so terribly wrong."

the chilling finale suggested her first thoughts of suicide: "cry not for her death, for she has no regrets. weep not for her soul, for she is in a better place."

such beautiful poem but it's such a pity that this girl has been driven to death by her very own schoolmates. this girl could have a promising future but what she lacked was the skill to cope with such peer pressure.

what i feel is that in school, teachers should play a more active role in identifying students with the incapability to express themselves well to people. counselling may not be as effective because i feel that it would be better if the teachers established friendship with these less-active children instead. by establishing friendship, the children can slowly open up to their teacher more easily and in turn be able to speak out whenever they felt ostracised by their fellow schoolmates.

what the parents can do at home is that to communicate more often with their children. ultimately bonds are built through the many conversations that allow each of us to understand each other more. with growing understanding, there will inevitably be stronger bonds! parents nowadays are too busy dealing with work and have in the course neglected their children. they spent hours on their job to perform up the standard. same goes to their children, they've got to spent time in order to perform their roles as parents up to standard!

susan reminds me of my sister. my sister is in the best class of the special stream in her school. she is very diligent in her schoolwork and topping the school is nothing shocking to hear. however, there was once she told me that her classmates were teasing her very often. i've asked her about what they teased her about and i was quite surprised and in fact a little angered with how these children actually thinks nowadays.

my sister's classmates laugh about the brand of the foolscap paper she used! they said that the brand she used was lousier and inferior compared to what they were using. i found it very ridiculous and wanted my sister to rebut to their accusations. however, i'm actually quite glad that my sister told me that she didn't really bother about it because she found it really stupid to be affected by such childish comments. (sigh in relief.)

i've actually told my sister to tell me if people bullied her and that she should not resort to committing suicide as a solution to the problem. she just gave me a 'deow' face.

as i was saying about being angered with how these children thinks nowadays. why on earth did they even scrutinise the quality of their friend's foolscap paper?! it's not like they will be keeping their notes or homework until they graduate from the highest form of education they might be receiving in the near future. it's scary that children at such a young age already have such materialistic stereotyping mentality. it's like they are nymphs of the future bimbo bitches, for example, paris hilton (only that she bitches without speaking.) but what are these children when they grow up? oh my, i foresee a bunch of skeletal looking females dressed in skimpy branded cloths who bitches about the others who do not resemble like their cohort. ugh now that's disgusting.

i think all of us should blame their f-grade parents whom had dutifully imparted their NEED of attaining luxurious lifestyle to these pitiful little imps as a way of life. it's unfortunate that these parents slogged so hard to provide their children with excellent living conditions but only to educate them with the destructive perspectives of discrimination, stereotyping and stigmatisation.

seriously, i feel that something have to be done really quickly with regard to such mentality that some children actually possess. in the present and future, it's undoubtedly that we should all move towards a more open society with minimal stigmatisation mentality. if we really want to become a civilised and well-educated society, we should really do off with the discriminated perspectives that we study issues with.

maybe then, many issues could be solved

instantly.

*i hereby would like to thank ms owyong ru-jun and the new paper on sunday for letting me post an excerpt of the article 'driven to death'.

READ THIS ENTRY AND DIE.

it has always been in my head.

how the **** do i increase blog viewership! i've always been supporting every other people's blogs. especially this xiaxue. she is just amazing. i've been trying to identify the attractiveness of the blog. hmm.

it's pink?

nah.

uploaded many pictures?

yes.

interesting entries?

definitely.

interesting entries. well, it's subjective you know! however, we'd just got to admit the fact that humour has a larger market. boohoo. i know there's nothing wrong with writing prolifically emotional and poetic entries but there's just not enough market for it! at least, not many people take your pieces seriously.

yes. i've been trying hard to write funny stuffs but i guess i'm just not funny enough. i think i'll probably start posting my naked pictures online and make people laugh. oooh. maybe not. i'll just end up being deemed as one associated with an inferior social class left absolutely deteriorated in one corner. ugh.

anyway, what the hell is wrong with me? seriously, i think i am funny but do you think that i am funny? okay let me tell you a joke and we'll try and assess my humouring ability?

==========

THE JOKE.

i was left alone in a corner.
spitting right in a bowl.

she passed by.
threw coins in my spitbowl.

i erected.
erm. stood up.

she froze.
i placed the spit-covered coins.

right in her left hand.
she grimaced.

i'm sorry.
that's my bowl.

this is my joke.

==========

right. i don't think you're laughing now. instead, you MUST be thinking that i am trying too hard. ugh. stop it. i will come up with something really funny. and i swear that when that time comes.

i'll make you laugh till you drop.

dead.

IT.

because of it.
i am weak.

but i am strong.

for it.

it occupies me.
but then again.

it sets me free.
it shattered my heart.

but it built me a dream.
it instigated me to depend on it.

but i'd became independent
because of it.

it took away my sight.
but it taught me to see.

it made me selfish.
but i'd became willing

to give away everything.
it led me out of reality.

yet it made me realise
what it really means.

it hurt me.
but it healed me.

it took away things.
but it gave me more.

at times, it seems to be gone.
but it is around. all the time.

close your eyes
feel

because love

it is all around.

INCOHERENCIALLY ATTRACTIVE.

a lonesome soul.
drifts silently.

the soft moonlight's piercing.

speak in whispers.
hint in screams.

subtle impression yet heavily understood.

smile sadly.
jovial tears.

cynical oppression critically un-stigmatized.

fallen people.
unbroken dreams.

a person in denial reacts expectantly.

lying honestly.
a second time.

thank you for reading my beautifully written


--- incoherency.

LIFE.

a beautiful flower.
it has thorns.

do you want it?
she gestured to me.

i shook my head.
her eyes smiled.

she picked it carefully.
placed it in a concrete vase.

it needs to breathe.
i know.

she watered the flower.
there's no space.

i know.
she placed it by the window.

the sunlight reaches it.
it will grow.

i didn't answer.
she smiled and left.

4 months gone.
i visited.

it's you.
her eyes smiled.

hi.
the flower.

it grew.
i told you.

i stared in wonder.
the flower grew.

out of the window.
i laughed.

my heart sparkled.
you will grow.

i smiled at her.
i'd witnessed it.

miracles?
nah.

it's just life.

GIRLS ARE HORNY.

"go touch edison's lor."

it's enough to stun me. why? coz one of the two girls sitting beside me actually incited the girl sitting nearer to me to *gasp* feel my dick.

okay okay i admit it turns me on but

--- GIRLS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HORNY!

girls are supposed to be angels who never think about sex or dream of having multiple orgasms spending a hot night with a tall muscular tanned guy with a tool as thick as a coca cola can.

girls are supposed to be reserved and practise 101% self control. they are not supposed to be interested in sex. in fact, they are supposed to be born coitophobic (fear of sexual intercourse).

ULTIMATELY, GIRLS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE SEX.

however, my naive impressions of girls are ruined with an experience like that. ):

==========

alrite alrite.. i may sound disappointed but please, i'm not.

in fact, i feel that i'd just had the right education --- and i liked it. (:

absolutely.

man, i like girls and for goodness sake

--- I LOVE SEX.

i really can't wait to bait a girl into my room and start humping her like a mad dog. i would love to do it raw so that i can derive 100% of the wholesome sensation of friction and lubrication. ooo.

"i did not make britney pregnant coz i came on her face." --- unknown tee

yea. i wanna do that too.

==========

*reality check*

==========

first of all, i gotta say that though at times we would definitely love to enjoy a night of hot sex or heavy petting, i guess it's time we stop acting like a bunch of horny teenagers and be responsible enough to think about the consequences that come with everybody's favourite past-time.

do you know that the number of abortions carried out in singapore is rising and most of the cases involve teenage mothers?

do you know that the number of babies being abandoned right after birth is growing too? (do you see the stop abandoning babies advertisement at mrt stations?)

do you know that the number of people infected with HIV are escalating and the number do not include those that are unaware of their infection? (HIV can be transmitted through *fellatio a.k.a oral sex)

i guess anyone who reads this entry should be able to think and start having the sense of responsibility and social etiquette to

1) respect all lives and be responsible for *creating them.

2) be considerate enough not to spread diseases to other people.

God loves all of us.

amen.

"I'M GETTING MARRIED."

my collegue told me.

i stared at him. "huh?"

"the holiday to hong kong is most probably for the honeymoon."

"you're serious?"

"haha shotgun la." he laughed.

i was absolutely awed by the news. i mean he's 21. she's 18. she's pregnant. how can i not respect a guy like him?

how does it feels like to be getting married at the age of 21 and soon becoming a dad?

the thought scares me.

at the age of 21, i will be in the university majoring in journalism and probably minoring in psychology or philosophy or maybe both. i'll most probably be doing free-lance designing and writing at the same time to get more exposure and experiences since these are the areas in which i want to expertise in.

sometimes, i will be driving my black mazda to town on saturdays and probably club or catch a late night show. occasionally, i might treat my friends to kbox to enjoy a night of loudness.

however, i will save up a few days doing the things that i enjoy doing alone such as swimming on a tuesday morning, laughing to the tons of "la bi xiao xin" i've bought, spending time with my girlfriend, or simply lying in bed doing nothing.

every sunday morning, i will be dining with my family at some chinese restaurant. sometimes for a change, we could visit macdonald instead. occasional new movie screenings at home with my family is absolutely pleasing to the heart.

however, during exam periods, all these might have to be halted for a while. instead of clubbing or movie nights, i might end up mugging in the late nights. during the day, National Library is first choice prior to Changi Airport Starbucks and EXPO Coffeebean and Tea Leaves.

all in all, these have to be done in the expense of time and if i were to be married with a kid at the age of 21. i guess i'll have to prepare a plan B.

however, what i can say is that getting married with a kid is not a bad news. in fact, it is a good and heart-warming one if you view it with no discrimination.

i think i'll have to start looking out for nice suits and be prepared to give a 'big' angbao. it's expensive to get married! somemore got kid! oh no!

anyway, life still goes on.

==========

a hole. i've fallen.
unlit. i see in the dark.

walk on by. over a hole.
fallen into. a moutain of sand.

shake it off. shake shake. shake it off.
i've got dust in my eyes.

walk on by.
another way. it is.

if it's dark. use a match.
cover up. the sun's heating up.

i've got matches.
i've got hands.

life never stays on.
life goes on ---

and on.

OURSELVES.

my ears were burning.
hyperventilating, probably. skewed towards mars.

the invisible moon, i didn't take notice of.
purposefully concealed inbetween my eyes. the bridge breaks.

there it fell. about half past ten --- no one injured
but one was missing.

his name was right there in the list.
i saw it. i read it.

whiteskyblue, i remembered. where was he? i studied the wreckage.
it struck me, estimated two seconds later.

he didn't thought he could survive. maybe he chose to leave.
fuckin' stupid. his desensitized senses, i pity.

let's go, i announced to the crowd. some refused.
i left. i didn't care much.

those who stayed, strong believers themselves.
they saw what i'd seen. he needed help.

he'd lost his faith. something unprovided.
something unfounded by others.

it's something deeper, somewhere hidden in him.
only he can find it within himself.

ourselves.

TOMORROW'S TUESDAY.

someone fined me. i spat on concrete.
how did he know? a wet spot.
i sprained my back. i somersaulted.

twice in a row.
there you are! i stood at the entrance.

a dilemma's facing me. his back against the wall.
go away, i mumbled.
she knows, he knows ---

but i don't.

i'd count the stars. three times.
first time 168.
second time 174.
third time 3.

i thought it was stupid.
lavender is purple. or is it violet?
it's the same, someone commented.

no no, i shook my head.
it's simple.

lavender is violet. lust is purple.
lust, his greatest sin.

her greatest enemy.

don't worry, i would repeat a million times.
he stared at her looking at me.
i will litter in my garden with love.

maybe it will grow a tree.

let it rain. or maybe let rain pour.
honest liars, i loved them.

i was an ally.

if i was to crumble a piece of paper.
it will be the blue one.

monday blues. don't apply to me.
nowadays i hate tuesdays.

tomorrow's tuesday.

THE END OF ME.

a satire, if i noticed. when i start counting the pages,
endless, endless.

it's fear, that i've rejected. reborn-ation; adopted.

now, incubating. it's far more than me.

colors i see. notes i'd heard.
dismay, dismay.

i'd tore down the wallpaper. (scribbled notes on them)

where's my picture?

it's the end.

of me*

EARTH, WIND, WATER, FIRE.

i'm thrown on a dune.
now fill me up with sand.

i've got water all over me..
drown me then.

there's fire nearby.
now engulf the meadow in flames.

cool breeze..

forget me then.

DREAM.

i have a dream, a long forsakened dream.
i am afraid for i do not know if i'm capable of reaching it.
i'm waiting for the right time. the destined moment.
when i will reach out my hand
and feel it.

i'd remained unawakened, oblivious to the anecdotal future.
a denunciation on my part, on myself.
i'd lived in denial; rebuffing the accusation placed upon me.
for i've already sentenced myself to death.

light, it's piercing through my heart.
for i've forgotten i'd remained in the dark.
solitude, melting away.
i shut my eyes open. i needed to see.

i dreamt of a reality. i've witness a miracle.
this time, it's a resolution; a proposal to a beautiful girl.
infuse the passion. i've burnt the ashes.
re-gain, the impression. re-live, my expression. of life.

bittersweet, life is.
i do not fear. not anymore.
i close my eyes; no longer distant.
if i stand on my hand, i can step on the sky.

if you can fly, why shouldn't i try?
without wings; i have my dreams.
without dreams; i have my wings.
either or, i can fly.
if i close one eye, i can touch the sky.

i have a dream, a long forsakened dream.
i am afraid for i do not know if i'm capable of reaching it.
i'm waiting for the right time. the destined moment.
when i will reach out my hand
and feel it.

DIAMONDS, PEARLS & ROCK.

the pasture is always greener on the otherside. likewise in life, we often compare what we have with others. silly it is but inevitable.


one fine day, i was walking down the street and i found a rock.
it's a beautiful rock, i must say. well-defined edges. smooth surface. opaque black.

i love it.

i met up with a friend for lunch on that fine day. i was so eager to show him the rock that i'd found.

he came with a big grin on his face. i wondered why his grin was that wide.

i saw something sparkling in his hands. he opened up and showed me what he'd found.

a diamond.

wow. i told him. it's beautiful.

we had our lunch and seperated to fufill our own agendas.

i didn't show him my rock.


another fine day, i was playing with my rock when i received a call from my friend.

he told me his diamond was gone.

what happened? i asked him.

someone took it away, he cried.

i consoled him but he was still sad.

you will find a better one okay? i assured him.

we hung up shortly after that.


i looked at my rock. it sat there quietly.

all these while, it had always been here with me.

carve your name on me, my rock told me.

whiteskyblue, i carved on it.


i walked on the street.

i held my rock visible.

i see happy people holding diamonds and pearls.

the sad people who held nothing envy those with diamonds and pearls.

--- none of them stared at mine.

i grinned.

people may have sparklings diamonds and precious pearls.

i have a rock.


my rock.

A CONSPIRACY WITH MYSELF.

i was seventeen.
hopeful.

i am nineteen.
hopeful.

determined.

"a single butterfly flapping creates a tornado," someone reminded me.

i'm worthy.

subjective it may be.

fuck.

screw me
and i'll screw you back.

OIE. I'M POLICEMAN LA.

i used to resent the fact that i was being posted to the police force as the vocation in which i will be serving my 2-years ns. i felt like i was being singled out from the whole cohort of ordinary singaporean males to join the EXTRA ordinary organisation. all in all, i felt discriminated.

i received different comments from various people who had happened to know about my posting. the uncles and aunties of the older generation thought that i failed my napfa (i got silver ok!). my fellow ns pals envy my predicament. they were jealous that i get to slack in camp. some girls felt that it was cool to be in the blue uniform while some others can't even be bothered. however, my family thought that it was a good place to go. especially my dad 'coz he had served his ns in the police force too.

i won't deny the fact that the life in police academy was pretty much like living in a holiday chalet and in fact i did enjoy myself very much. however, though we are much relaxed in terms of physical training. i felt that we were in fact much stricter in the disciplinary aspect. afterall, we are being trained to be police officers.

i am very grateful for the fact that SPF is willing to spend more than 60k to sponsor the driving course for the 2 npc squads. we being NSFs are really priviledged to obtain such sponsorship given the fact that we will only be serving 2 years of ns after which we will most probably leave and turn our back on them.

alright, it's not only about the driving license that caused a change in my attitude towards serving ns in the police force. in fact, it's more because of the experiences that i have been receiving ever since i passed out from tracom (police academy) and being dispatched to pasir ris npc.

by being a police officer, i've been granted the access to see the grey areas in life --- the vulnerability of a country, the downside of a society, the unfamiliarity in a community, the distance in a family and the fragility of a human being.

i've witness how circumstances in life forces people to do things that they hate and if given another chance, they will rather die than to do it again. many times in life, people often do things that they might regret later on but they had to do it 'coz they didn't have another way out. i've seen some of them cry 'coz of guilt and regret and i've even seen some of them laugh at their own foolishness.

there was once i did ward duty and was guarding an illegal immigrant from china. she was chased by police officers 'coz her status was wanted. in the end, she jumped down from the second storey in order not to get caught and be repatriated. though she survived, she ended up paralyzed.

i peeked into the room once and i saw her weeping softly. suddenly, i just felt my heart ache. i didn't know what i could say to comfort her. i felt useless. my colleague was the one who had entered the room to check on her. she hadn't been eating. my colleague told her she should eat more and that she needed energy to recover. immediately, her face lightened and she smiled at my colleague.

i realised that there's no need for speeches or beautiful words to comfort a person. a simple sentence that came straight from my colleague's kind heart is enough to make someone smile. (:

therefore i conclude that being a police officer is not just being a law enforcer. being a police officer is being an upright law enforcer and at the same time a compassionate human being and an empathic friend.

SHOULD I STAY?

i wrote this a couple of years back. haha.

When I have faith and you don't believe
There aren't things to talk about anymore
Things are yet to be matured enough to be perceived
But the words that's spoken cannot be reversed

I tossed and turned My eyes aren't tired
My mind was aimlessly thinking of things that might happen
You knew what you were doing
You knew you weren't ready
So tell me should I stay or should I go

I woke up in the morning with my eyes swelling
I know you might call me crazy
But in my dreams, I've been crying
I can see you there yet you're walking away
It hurts to have something and nothing at the same time

To hold you I must let go
But there are things that I still don't know
That's why I'm holding on coz I really need to know
What have you been hiding
Why can't I feel your smile anymore
Are they a reflection of your happiness
Or an awkward gesture telling me there's something wrong

Maybe I will just quietly leave this place
But everything that's around me
Just reminds me of you
I still have your things here that I still need to return
But how can I turn away again and again

I'm just a coward who's afraid of losing you
I'm really afraid of falling too deep
And then you ask me to leave
Maybe I will cry maybe I wouldn't mind
But I'm sure I'm gonna miss you
The memories never gonna fade
My heart will ache but I won't be able to say
Coz I will not be able to see you
I know you wouldn't want to see me too

There is forever in this world.

I hope someday someone can prove it to you.

BLOGGS.

it's simply miraculous how i happen to stumble upon a blog which i naively thought that it belongs to my secondary school friend (coz the address was similar. i only realised that it's some unknown person's blog the next day when i saw my secondary school friend's blog address advertised on his msn).

anyway, i browsed through the so-called latest entry and was somewhat dumbfounded by what i'd read. it was totally incoherent to what my friend would have written. (i'm not baised but simply assumed to be 'coz he had never presented himself as an intelligent person. he'd always thought he was funny.)

however, i managed to convince myself that i shouldn't judge a book by its cover (in this case, a further mathematics textbook with the cover of paris hilton naked) since two of my ex-classmates confirmed with me that his command of english language is terrific.

i continued reading 'his' previous entries and was instantly struck with an absolute admiration. he wrote melancholy poems and descriptive proses with such profundity and convictions. beautiful was the only word that came to my mind.

it was late night and i'd decided to turn in. i needed time to assimilate the marvelous writings.

it was raining in the morning when i found out that the blog doesn't belong to my friend

and i laughed.

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SPEED AND DIE.

why do people speed?

hmm. good question. but if you were to ask a seasoned driver why he speeds. well, most likely he will reply, "everybody else is moving so fast. if i were to abide to the traffic rules and move at the designated speed limit, everybody else will most probably honk at me for moving too slow."

see the everybody-else-is-doing-it excuse that everybody else is using in order to blend into the sea of wrong doers so that they can excuse themselves from being pointed out to carry the blame. ugh. cowards.

so what the hell is your point huh? are you trying to say that people honking at you and making your already-bad day bad-er is worse than being the culprit that cause deaths on the road? if you really think that way, (sigh) i really pity your parents for having a son / daughter like you.

i can't deny the fact that the expressways are way too appealing not to speed on, but we(being the moral-educationalized people) must always remember that the consequences that might derive from our irresponsible action are terminal and irrevocable.

alright, just imagine your dad who is sitting beside you reading the papers, your mum sitting right behind you chatting with your sister who is busy complaining to her about school work and friends. see what you're risking? yes, i know you see it. no, i'm not trying to be superfluous. i just want to accentuate the fact that you are not only risking your own life, but also your loved ones. are their lives so expendable? so please, show more intelligence and don't do anything stupid(rash) to jeopardize what you have. it's just not worth the few minutes of thrill.

and if you are thinking of rebutting the point that i've just made by saying that you are in the car alone. oh yea. for the benefit of those who are not tired of living, let me remind you that there are actually other cars on the road. (gasp!)

people have their rights to live and you, being the self-centred jerk who insists of having temporary fun by speeding on the 90km/h-is-the-speed-limit expressways, have no right at all to take away what they have. if you don't want to live, please go ahead and jump down from a flat or something. but don't do it on the road, other people who treasure their lives don't deserve to be taken away with you.

i know that inducing thrill is only one of the thousand-and-one examples available to explain the irresponsible act of speeding. but whether or not are you speeding because you are in a rush for time or to chase after a criminal, life is too precious to be gambled upon. unless you can save a life by speeding. well if that's the case, go ahead. but still, please take due care when *speeding.

*every person here has to abide to the law(speed limits).
the only difference is the speed limit itself.

MY DESPATCH. MY PREROGATIVE.

*the story is completely fiction. any part of the story resembling a real life situation or person or event is purely coincidental. please practise discretion when reading as story contains obscene descriptions of certain(some) unintended intentions.

"tell me you're joking please." that was my initial reaction when i heard the news. i was tearing already.

"it's not a joke," the voluptuous auntie who has went blonde the other day sighed. "i'm sorry."

she gave me a sympathetic look. i don't know why.

it made me feel like puking.

"maybe there's something wrong with the machine," i insisted desperately. "or maybe that balding guy forgot he's far-sighted!" i choked in my own saliva.

voluptuous blond auntie sighed, her view glued to my crotch.

i shifted uncomfortably.

"you forgot to zip your pants."

oh.

"sorry," i replied sheepishly. at least she wasn't fantasizing 'bout my size.

"there's really nothing i can do already," voluptuous blond auntie explained. she smiled weakly. she was tired.

"i know."

the words were silent.

"take care," voluptuous blond auntie concluded. there was a tinge of awkwardness in her voice.

i nodded once, took the paper and left.

at the corner of my eyes, i saw her wiping tears off her botox-fied cheeks.

i ran out, never stopping for a second to look back.

the paper wrote:


pasir ris npc.

MY LAST WORDS.

guess what. finally, i'm a full-fledged police officer! woaho. we're finally out of tracom. ugh. oh well. it just feels so good even the air smells like ck one. heh. this last week in tracom was hella fun. totally rock'on. none of the days in tracom for the past 6 months can be compared to these last days. (even when we had long weekend break) 'coz this time, we're out for good. whaha.

alrite. the purpose of this entry is actually for my squadmates. heh. my comrades i can proudly say are the people who saved me from the raw boredom in our course as the pioneers of the new npco vocationalised training in the usual *shit hole with our fellow mang ko officers.

these 13 weeks had ended so abruptly. heh. i haven't had enough fun yet! haha! what a joke. but seriously, the memories that i'm carrying now will always be the most exciting and fresh experiences that i will never be able to encounter again for the rest of my life. i know i've been criticising 'bout ns bottling up my freedom and etc. but when we were all singing 'graduation' in the mess. when we put our differences away and shouted 'npco' proudly with npc1. suddenly, ns makes so much sense.

the sense of belonging, the love, the brotherhood. everything just makes me realise what ns had really given me. it had given me the chance to experience true brotherhood. the opportunity to live with people coming from different family background. it gave me the chance to cross over boarders and understand people of differing races. it taught me to respect other's beliefs and religion. alas, it taught me how to cover not only my own ass but also my buddies' butts too. heh.

first of all, i would like to thank a few people who are pretty much closer to me than the rest of the family. haha.

seng khng, the one sleeping above me. haha. well, we were from the same squad in basic police training but i only get to know you really well in npco course. lol. i sincerely thank God for putting the both of us in the same course, in the same squad. 'coz i would have never had the chance to know a friend who is as responsible as you. lol. well, call it coincidental or what. you were supposed to be in npc1 'coz you are in echo division. but fatefully, you are placed here. with me. haha! alrite, see how fate has a twisted sense of humor. heh.

johnson, the one full of passion. lol. you are one guy who has totally awed me with your individualistic ideas and ways of seeing and dealing with things. i enjoyed sharing so much "intelligent" conversation with you. haha! but i really have to thank you for being such a good friend. someone whom i can really talk to and actually understands what i'm saying. lol. i'll always remember the times when i kept asking you 'bout how to build up muscles, and the arguments of whether running makes you smaller or bigger. lol. all the biology stuffs. heh. i won't forget you alrite. haha!

kian xiang, the one who always thinks that i'm a kid. haha! c'mon la guys. lol. i'll always remember how much you respect your oc squad and fi. lol. you are really someone who remembers where you come from no matter how high you've climbed. you're straight-forward, you never falter in your beliefs. haha. you always say what you think and never tries to hide it. and i respect you for that! i believe that your honesty commands respect from many others. at least, i'm one of those who will tell you 'bout it. ;) and your passion for the regular girls. haha! you will get a nice girlfriend de la. haha. sorry ah, in here still want to bastard you. but never mind la. once in a lifetime leh. heh.

to the many others that i didn't mention. sincerely from my heart, all of you had created an impact in my life. i will never forget you guys de.

sigh. i will miss all the long baths, ghost story nights, volley ball!, canteen eggs and ice cream and myojo noodles, soccer? haha, badminton, woorkouts, cdc, girls: regular and non-regulars, movies in class and movie nights, squeezing together on my bed!, posing for dumb and subtlely 'gay' pics haha, the quarrels at times, and last of all. mess food. haha. sigh. all good things come to an end and i do hope that our paths will cross again someday, somehow.

*sob take care pals. all the best in life. and like i said before, i won't forget you people de. =)

ABOUT MY CAR LICENSE.

"sir, why are you driving the car?" the traffic police queried sternly. his eyes behind the big black shades.

"it's my brand new black mazda 6.0." i snapped. i didn't bother to hide my irritation. "it costed me $80 000."

"but you are so young." he commented, still keeping his composure. "unless you can show me your license."

"i don't have my license." i groaned. c'mon, how long are you going to keep me? i'm late for my movie! "they are supposed to send me by post last week!"

he took out his logbook. "i'm afraid sir that i will have to take you back to the -"

"wait a minute." i interrupted. "SCREEN ME."

he paused for a moment, "alright." he said quietly. "your ic, please."

"S********" i recited. "i don't have my ic with me."

he keyed in the numbers.

one minute passed...

"oh you have a license!" he sounded surprised.

"like duh?" i shot him with an uninterested look.

"wow that's young," he smiled. "welcome to the real world man!"

i was already miles away to hear that.

cheers!

INSPIRATION.

inspiration hits us so hard, sometimes, it feels like we're going to suffer a concussion. it's like a flicker in the flame. we can stare at a freshly lit candle for hours, but never catch a glimpse of that magic flicker. instead, when we unintentionally sweep our eyes across the room decorated with blushing roses and gentle flames, it happens.

just like the wind that breezes pass us like ice on hot plate, we're struck with the estein's light bulb. and at that destined moment, we're filled with an infinite river of unattained wisdom and unrevealed beauty all of a sudden. but like a flash, it all dissipates undetected before our naked eyes.

if inspiration has a scent, it will smell like cigar smoke. it poisons the mind. it forces us to the brink of our sanity.

however, at the same time, we are freed.