SHOW ME SOME POSITIVITY

A recent conversation with a dear friend regarding positivity changed my entire perspective on being human. Positivity negates negativity and simultaneously attracts more positivity. We may fall low at times but how you turn the situation around is in fact just dependant on your state of mind.

There are the few people I came across in my life that are always happy. They naturally attracts people to them (friendly terms). People feel happy staying around them and speaking to them. It's like their positivity overflows out of them and they do nothing! They can just stand there and smile. But that overflowing aura of positivity just negates your negativity and you feel so good just being their friends.

Maybe it's time we all start thinking about why we should stop gossiping about people, complaining about life, etc. And start looking to the positive side to many issues that affect us in life. And who knows, our lives will only start getting better...

And better.

YouTube subscribers update: 150

Hello blog for the 2nd time today. I practised "Terrified" for a few times again. I realised this song has too wide a range for me to sing like I did in "Imagination". I think I'm gonna sing it with more power (more air). My vocals sounded more in control and the tone is much richer. It just hit me that different songs have to be sung differently.

Let's summarise certain things I have learnt over the months of my YouTube journey.

1) Different songs must be sung differently.
2) Breathing is critical. More air gives more control and a richer tone.
3) The notes must flow melodiously. Do not let notes fly everywhere or break the phrases.
4) Sing into a focal point. (this one I'm not too sure but it does help in giving me more controlled vocals)
5) Pitch!!! Practise!!!
6) Warm up!!! Doing singing exercises help alot!!! When you sing, it sounds smoother. (refer to point 3)

Okay these are pretty much what I have learnt over the months. I'm gonna continue practising "Terrified" tomorrow!!!

Wish me luck!

YouTube subscribers update: 149

Hello blog. I was practising "Terrified" the whole afternoon today. It was enlightening initially, finding out my own style of singing. So what exactly is my style of singing? I'm still in the stage of self discovery but so far, what I learnt is that me playing my guitar and singing. That is the real me. I am a singer-songwriter. That is me.

In the midst of my YouTube journey, I got lost of who I am. I was trying out so many types of songs but I realised the best genre for me is what I did in the first video "Imagination". Just my guitar and my voice, getting into the music and feel the groove. Yup, that's what I do best.

But after recording "Terrified" over 30 times and feeling really good about myself. I stumbled upon some other people's covers and I felt really demoralized. I re-listened to my own recording and I realised although I had the groove, I was lacking in my tone. My notes sounded thin. - Okay I think it's the breathing problem. Not enough air to support coz I'm focusing too much on the groove. I probably should stick with the range and practise more.

Wish me luck. =/

YouTube Channel update: 135 subscribers.

Hello there, weeks have passed. I feel like I'm constantly coming back to this blog to rant about things. I guess we can't always be at tip top condition. These are the moments that I feel really weak mentally (and physically today) when I just need to reflect on certain issues in life currently.

Music: I have been inspired to write a chinese song today. Pretty different from the usual songs I write. Which I feel is great. At least there's a breakthrough out of the usual song model i use. However, the melody is rather hard to catch. But I'm sure it'll grow on people as they listen to it more. Singing, I still need to work on it alot. Haha. But there's improvement, which is good. Hopefully, I can keep on progressing.

Life: Pertaining to my own plans, it's still heading in the right direction. Not much issues deviating from the usual. I should just keep working towards this direction. People, this is tough. I feel I have been building too much walls and too little bridges. I'm starting to knock into all these walls I built. =/ Let's not think too much into today.

SETBACKS THAT I LOVE

we all need the occassional setbacks to propel us forward in life. a lot of times, we view 'setbacks' literally as being incidents that obstruct us from reaching our goals. ironically, it is these obstruction that fuels us even more strongly to breakthrough and reach another level.

simply put for my case, i feel that every time i get hit by a criticism about my singing or songwriting, it gives me a 'mini goal' to accomplish. all these small steps that i take brings me further than what i could ever imagined it to be.

not surprisingly, with every video i put up, every song that i sing, every song that i write, i want to be better than before. now, i'm taking longer to put up a video. this is good because i want to make sure i put up something that keeps showing that i'm improving.

120 subscribers right now. my goal - 1,000,000. haha sounds far fetched but i gave myself 3 years and unlimited times of putting up videos. someday, i'll make it. it's how i brace myself through the obstacles right now.

the present is a gift. i look at these 120 people who believes in me right now and i always tell myself. i should really do something to get to know these 120 people. i'm currently thinking of putting up a video to thank these people who believes in me.. all these mean so much, so much to me.

if you happen to be reading this, i would like to thank you for this amazing gift you have for me. i know this is very hard to keep my word to but i would have to hold on to this belief. as long as 1 person is touched by my song and singing.

i'll keep on singing.

all of us want to be great men, don't we? i want to be great. but at this point in time, all i feel is inadequacy. everywhere around me are great people with all walks of achievements. and then, i'll turn back and look at myself in the mirror. what have i achieved?

i know what i want in life, but every step i take feels like i'm walking on quicksand. with every step i take, i sink in a bit. i feel like even before i can reach where i want to be, i'll already be drowned...

my heart aches badly because i'm so far away from my dreams. and it's even worse when all i see are the flaws that i have and i have no clue how to make things work. there are tons of problems but i have no idea how to begin solving them.

i guess people around me thinks i'm over-reacting, which in fact, i know it's understandable because they are not seeing things in my light. i've already reached that point in life when i know this is what i want and if i'm not going to be doing this for a living, i will never be happy doing whatever that i'm going to do to live.

my dreams, i am so clear about it. right now, it's all these physical limitations that i am stuck with. i need a concrete plan to resolve these limitations... and the problem is...

how do i start?

='(

Dear Blogspot

i realised how twitter and facebook have altered my way of writing down my life experiences. i'm more of a "spasm" emotional person who updates these "spasms" periodically via twitter and facebook.

oh yes my youtube channel as well. =) 56 subscribers!!! not fantastic number, but i'm writing songs for 56 people who believes in my music!

i knew this is what i'm passionate about. writing songs to heal broken hearts and souls... share a story or an experience.. connecting with people through a song... how wonderful is that? =)

do subscribe to me on youtube www.youtube.com/mrjustincross i need all the support i can!

check out my facebook profile www.facebook.com/edisonjustincross

and follow me on twitter www.twitter.com/edjustin

Yours truly
Mr Cross

THE HEART SPEAKS STUPIDLY.

sometimes, i really wonder how much i've grown in regards to how i deal with relationships. tough issue for me still actually, in fact, i'm still stuck in a hole. i can't bring myself to completely submit to love. i'm still skeptical, very careful. at the end of the day, i don't want to be foolish and get hurt for being stupid again.

i've learnt to use my brain more often than usual when making decisions. at times, when i like my heart speak, i realise how stupid i sound. how vulnerable i am exposing myself to people. i cannot allow that. i don't want people to scar me again.

i'm still waiting for you to come save me from where i am. where are you? honestly, i'm fine alone nowadays but it'll be good if you come right at me and just tear down these walls. and instead of falling, you lift me up.

let's get away from here. yeah, i'm still waiting for you.

IMAGINATION



Subscribe to me!!!
http://www.youtube.com/mrjustincross

Lyrics:
They were sitting there
Talking about their dreams
I was standing there
Thinking about my own

I was listening
Closely to what they said
Then I realised
That I was somewhere there
Somewhere there

We were talking about hopes
And dreams and then
The world fills up
With love and lights to see
Imagination becomes reality
Someday I Know I will get there

Do you believe
That I'm gonna get there someday
Do you believe
I'm gonna take you to the stars

Then I can take you on
A journey there
And you could see that
Every single dream is possible
And I can change your mind
And make you see
That dreams are dreams
Only if you dream
Without believing

today was an eventful day for me, with millions of thoughts struck in my head. the best of all, all these thoughts were all about one simple idea - passion.

i'm going to do something really stupid here, but i hope you don't mind. i'm going to list out the things that i love to do. things that will energize me the more i get myself involved in.

1) i love to write. not just stories, but great ideas, philosophies, enlightenment, etc. i love to inspire with words.

2) music and lyrics. tell a story and inspire with a song.

3) experiencing life. through the third person perspective. observation of people, in the society. to seek understanding, and experience the pieces of life - through others.

and the best medium for me to translate all these thoughts and emotions are through the power of language and music.

the purpose of listing out these passions is for me to voice out the avenues available for me to transform them into reality. at the same time, for me to evaluate the pros and cons of 'realizing' my dreams.

1) all i need is to start writing! since i love to write, i should work on it. be really good at what i do. someday, someone will bound to see the value in my writings and publish me. well, if i'm not going to start now, then when?

2) writing music, to me, isn't about the fame or money. to me, it is about sharing these pieces of my life with people. and hopefully through these pieces of my life, it can heal and inspire the broken hearted - the same way many people's pieces of life had healed my broken heart and inspired me to become a better person.

3) the only way for me to experience more of life is through meeting people. i should interact with more people, on a deeper level, to gain more perspectives to life. and of course, to open up my heart, mind, and soul, to understand crazy novel ideas and thoughts.

someday, i do wish to complete this puzzle on life.

words, they sting like bees because after they stung, they just die off and mean nothing any more than that moment of angst. i'm afraid i'm a vicious verbal murderer that kills with the poisonous stinging words.

then again, if you know me well enough, how poisonous the words are, simply reflects how much it means to me that i have to go through such painful process of generating such vast collection of vocabulary to renounce your presence.

seriously, we're like kids, forever in a competition for the most minute issues. it's time to grow up and look forward into things that are far more important than these. i always complain about how my past have made me a broken man, but then again, if i had never experienced that, i will never be as strong as i am today.

we all fall, and we pick ourselves up. but i come to a conclusion that for me, i'll have to fall a million times before i can succeed for that very once. (accepts fate) and i do believe that God has it all planned out for me. what is there for me to worry at all? without faith, i will be worrying like mad now. but then, with faith, i'll just take whatever that comes my way. i know as long as i believe, i'll get the best out of every situations.

throw me in the deep end of the ocean and i'll learn how to swim butterfly strokes.

disappointment. no, i shouldn't be disappointed because i didn't want it enough. it was my fault. no point crying over spilt milk. ugh, fucked up. seriously, i ought to just set my mind on something and proceed. i'm faltering, as always. forever at the crossroads. been speaking to so many people, but then, really, i should know what is important to me. i feel so desperate. sucks.

nobody's gonna save me, i've gotta wake up. at least for now, because whoever you are, yes you are gonna come take me away from these mess. but now, it's me, myself, i. not you, but me. i need time to figure out what i want. i took so long. i'm still here. original place. standing still. wtf.

this is a pointless irrelevant piece of entry that illustrates how fucked up i am. or maybe, i'll then wake up from this mess that i created. cumulative load of shit i've gotta throw out sooner or later.

go to hell.

time is precious. right now, i'm wasting every single moment of it. i feel like a pledged procrastinator. :/ but then, i really need to think about what i wanna do with this life. i don't wanna end up going in the wrong direction again.

i look at people, everybody else seems so focused and definate about what they wanna do with their lives. and as for me, i'm pretty much proceeding with my heart somewhere else. :/

time is slipping and i'm still standing still where i am since last monday. 7 days passed and all i gotten was a little bit anxious. this is crap. totally.

somebody help me? i need advice. but then again, who knows me better than myself? :/

COMFORTABLY LONELY.

I can't quite comprehend this phase of my life. For once I thought I found "myself", I ended up equally lost as I was before. Moments pass like water, I hardly notices any. I found myself looking at things, in fact, I was just staring blankly. In the midst, I was trying to figure out how things work, to deny facts to make myself feel better.

Life suddenly becomes surreal. Like I feel I'm just a stranger in this place. No matter how aware I get of it, I just feel I'm drifting further and further away. The more I know, the less I understand. Hmm. I'm quite disappointed with myself because I always thought that I can figure things out like there's a formula to everything. Apparantly, even there are the formulas around, I'm not adequate enough to acquire whatever is necessary.

And here I am, sitting in front of this gaming computer, not gaming, but blogging. My head hurts, my stomach's growling. I need to bathe, yeah. Gonna pop some pills to rid the headache. Sucks. I have not studied for exams. And papers start on tuesday.

For a while, I realised, I am indeed, a very comfortably lonely man.

THE TRUTH IS.

Can't seem to breathe properly. The heart's unsettled. The mind's roaming everywhere. Staring at the message, I don't know what to say. Maybe I'll just wait till someday, my fairytale'll arrive.

And so you see, I realised what I have been doing. Shutting myself from needing somebody and feeling okay coz being alone ain't that bad afterall.

But once you opened up your heart and all the void starts sucking reality in. Then you realised how lonely it had been. All this while.

I'd just closed the door again. But I can still feel light breeze. It's sweet out there but I guess I'm still not ready. Or maybe this is just an excuse. So I don't have get hurt. To suffer, for pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

BUTTERFLIES.

I am feeling butterflies. My heart just refuses to sit still and wait. I'm listening to love songs. None of them appeases my state of emotion. There's this rush of adrenaline to my head as I waited patiently for a sense of logic to overcome my entre being. I hate this feeling of falling. I don't believe in love. Yet, im falling so deep. So deeply in love with you.

HAPPY LIKE A BIRDIE.

i guess it is this point in time when both my physical and mental aspects are at the brink of exhaustion that caused my mind to run wild, yet again. i feel weak all of a sudden, like there are a lot of things that i cannot accomplish. and for a while, i fear facing failures.

how do you brace yourself together to head on the storms? i guess for me, it is about experiencing the shattering cold and refusing to succumb to the numbness no matter how tough it is getting. and when you get through the storm, you emerge stronger, whether or not a success or failure.

i can feel my state of stagnation coming, or worse, declination. i'm refusing to let that happen, in fact, i'm desperately trying to rejuvenate. i keep going gym, to the point, i think i'm obssessed. not with my body, but with the state of momentary high from the endorphins released. yes, working out to achieve that momentary high is like taking a drug, to me.

i need to do something else; i need additional avenues for me to release my negative emotions. i hate feeling down, i'm done with and way past that 'emo' era.

dreams, mine seems so far away. i'm drifting so far from them because i'm getting increasingly realistic and practical. this is not who i want to be, but i am becoming this person for the better (or worse).

i need to do something, not to keep things off my mind, but to genuinely be happy.

like my friend told me, "...and so you can be happy like a birdie."

i wish.

THE MINISTRY OF DEFENSE.

betrayal, who hasn't came across such strong emotions, especially with friends you thought were always true, always faithful. it came to a breaking point for me one fine day and i decided to give up on humanity completely.

wait, don't get me wrong. i am still hopeful, i still believe i'll meet the 'right' people who've been through certain things and reached a certain phase in life and our chemistry works out just so perfectly, we can be friends for a lifetime.

but until life permits such luxury, i feel myself so naturally creates proper barriers to protect myself from getting hurt. why suffer for people who aren't worth it? this is a contradiction for me, because i want to form genuine friendship with people, i want to get closer beyond 'this'.

i think 'this' is something we all know, i don't have to explain word for word, but you know, it's just this point of the relationship with a person whereby you want to get closer - skin deep, more than 'this'.

but i can't. every time i get close enough, i will automatically back off and refresh myself - like i'm anticipating some forms of attacks and i'm getting ready to counter every single one of them. i don't even want to suffer a scratch. that's how bad this is getting.

bad, i can say it is, because i long for the closeness between true friends. i have a few, i am contented. i guess i'm a little greedy because i long for more (quantity) quality relationships with people.

how do i get close to someone now? i'm still figuring out this advanced defense mechanism that's inbuild in me.

THIS IS WHEN YOU REALISED YOU ARE FREAKING OLD.

i feel like i've outgrown many things in life. all of a sudden, emo is no longer a characteristic of me. it's quite upsetting at times because i realised, i started to push away negative thoughts so easily, half the time, i realised all i am engaged in are activities, no longer with myself.

i used to spend lots of time thinking about things, dreaming, yes i still do dream, but most of the time, the dreams are getting more and more realistic. i start planning, concrete goals to achieve so that i can reach where i wanna be in the future.

i stopped feeling frightened about things, i just do it. this is a good thing, but i seriously miss the times when i would dream of the impossible. now, everything seems so results-oriented, or at least, it should bring me somewhere, somehow.

damn it, i'm grown up. and no, i'm still not feeling emo about it.