TOMORROW'S TUESDAY.

someone fined me. i spat on concrete.
how did he know? a wet spot.
i sprained my back. i somersaulted.

twice in a row.
there you are! i stood at the entrance.

a dilemma's facing me. his back against the wall.
go away, i mumbled.
she knows, he knows ---

but i don't.

i'd count the stars. three times.
first time 168.
second time 174.
third time 3.

i thought it was stupid.
lavender is purple. or is it violet?
it's the same, someone commented.

no no, i shook my head.
it's simple.

lavender is violet. lust is purple.
lust, his greatest sin.

her greatest enemy.

don't worry, i would repeat a million times.
he stared at her looking at me.
i will litter in my garden with love.

maybe it will grow a tree.

let it rain. or maybe let rain pour.
honest liars, i loved them.

i was an ally.

if i was to crumble a piece of paper.
it will be the blue one.

monday blues. don't apply to me.
nowadays i hate tuesdays.

tomorrow's tuesday.

THE END OF ME.

a satire, if i noticed. when i start counting the pages,
endless, endless.

it's fear, that i've rejected. reborn-ation; adopted.

now, incubating. it's far more than me.

colors i see. notes i'd heard.
dismay, dismay.

i'd tore down the wallpaper. (scribbled notes on them)

where's my picture?

it's the end.

of me*

EARTH, WIND, WATER, FIRE.

i'm thrown on a dune.
now fill me up with sand.

i've got water all over me..
drown me then.

there's fire nearby.
now engulf the meadow in flames.

cool breeze..

forget me then.

DREAM.

i have a dream, a long forsakened dream.
i am afraid for i do not know if i'm capable of reaching it.
i'm waiting for the right time. the destined moment.
when i will reach out my hand
and feel it.

i'd remained unawakened, oblivious to the anecdotal future.
a denunciation on my part, on myself.
i'd lived in denial; rebuffing the accusation placed upon me.
for i've already sentenced myself to death.

light, it's piercing through my heart.
for i've forgotten i'd remained in the dark.
solitude, melting away.
i shut my eyes open. i needed to see.

i dreamt of a reality. i've witness a miracle.
this time, it's a resolution; a proposal to a beautiful girl.
infuse the passion. i've burnt the ashes.
re-gain, the impression. re-live, my expression. of life.

bittersweet, life is.
i do not fear. not anymore.
i close my eyes; no longer distant.
if i stand on my hand, i can step on the sky.

if you can fly, why shouldn't i try?
without wings; i have my dreams.
without dreams; i have my wings.
either or, i can fly.
if i close one eye, i can touch the sky.

i have a dream, a long forsakened dream.
i am afraid for i do not know if i'm capable of reaching it.
i'm waiting for the right time. the destined moment.
when i will reach out my hand
and feel it.

DIAMONDS, PEARLS & ROCK.

the pasture is always greener on the otherside. likewise in life, we often compare what we have with others. silly it is but inevitable.


one fine day, i was walking down the street and i found a rock.
it's a beautiful rock, i must say. well-defined edges. smooth surface. opaque black.

i love it.

i met up with a friend for lunch on that fine day. i was so eager to show him the rock that i'd found.

he came with a big grin on his face. i wondered why his grin was that wide.

i saw something sparkling in his hands. he opened up and showed me what he'd found.

a diamond.

wow. i told him. it's beautiful.

we had our lunch and seperated to fufill our own agendas.

i didn't show him my rock.


another fine day, i was playing with my rock when i received a call from my friend.

he told me his diamond was gone.

what happened? i asked him.

someone took it away, he cried.

i consoled him but he was still sad.

you will find a better one okay? i assured him.

we hung up shortly after that.


i looked at my rock. it sat there quietly.

all these while, it had always been here with me.

carve your name on me, my rock told me.

whiteskyblue, i carved on it.


i walked on the street.

i held my rock visible.

i see happy people holding diamonds and pearls.

the sad people who held nothing envy those with diamonds and pearls.

--- none of them stared at mine.

i grinned.

people may have sparklings diamonds and precious pearls.

i have a rock.


my rock.

A CONSPIRACY WITH MYSELF.

i was seventeen.
hopeful.

i am nineteen.
hopeful.

determined.

"a single butterfly flapping creates a tornado," someone reminded me.

i'm worthy.

subjective it may be.

fuck.

screw me
and i'll screw you back.

OIE. I'M POLICEMAN LA.

i used to resent the fact that i was being posted to the police force as the vocation in which i will be serving my 2-years ns. i felt like i was being singled out from the whole cohort of ordinary singaporean males to join the EXTRA ordinary organisation. all in all, i felt discriminated.

i received different comments from various people who had happened to know about my posting. the uncles and aunties of the older generation thought that i failed my napfa (i got silver ok!). my fellow ns pals envy my predicament. they were jealous that i get to slack in camp. some girls felt that it was cool to be in the blue uniform while some others can't even be bothered. however, my family thought that it was a good place to go. especially my dad 'coz he had served his ns in the police force too.

i won't deny the fact that the life in police academy was pretty much like living in a holiday chalet and in fact i did enjoy myself very much. however, though we are much relaxed in terms of physical training. i felt that we were in fact much stricter in the disciplinary aspect. afterall, we are being trained to be police officers.

i am very grateful for the fact that SPF is willing to spend more than 60k to sponsor the driving course for the 2 npc squads. we being NSFs are really priviledged to obtain such sponsorship given the fact that we will only be serving 2 years of ns after which we will most probably leave and turn our back on them.

alright, it's not only about the driving license that caused a change in my attitude towards serving ns in the police force. in fact, it's more because of the experiences that i have been receiving ever since i passed out from tracom (police academy) and being dispatched to pasir ris npc.

by being a police officer, i've been granted the access to see the grey areas in life --- the vulnerability of a country, the downside of a society, the unfamiliarity in a community, the distance in a family and the fragility of a human being.

i've witness how circumstances in life forces people to do things that they hate and if given another chance, they will rather die than to do it again. many times in life, people often do things that they might regret later on but they had to do it 'coz they didn't have another way out. i've seen some of them cry 'coz of guilt and regret and i've even seen some of them laugh at their own foolishness.

there was once i did ward duty and was guarding an illegal immigrant from china. she was chased by police officers 'coz her status was wanted. in the end, she jumped down from the second storey in order not to get caught and be repatriated. though she survived, she ended up paralyzed.

i peeked into the room once and i saw her weeping softly. suddenly, i just felt my heart ache. i didn't know what i could say to comfort her. i felt useless. my colleague was the one who had entered the room to check on her. she hadn't been eating. my colleague told her she should eat more and that she needed energy to recover. immediately, her face lightened and she smiled at my colleague.

i realised that there's no need for speeches or beautiful words to comfort a person. a simple sentence that came straight from my colleague's kind heart is enough to make someone smile. (:

therefore i conclude that being a police officer is not just being a law enforcer. being a police officer is being an upright law enforcer and at the same time a compassionate human being and an empathic friend.

SHOULD I STAY?

i wrote this a couple of years back. haha.

When I have faith and you don't believe
There aren't things to talk about anymore
Things are yet to be matured enough to be perceived
But the words that's spoken cannot be reversed

I tossed and turned My eyes aren't tired
My mind was aimlessly thinking of things that might happen
You knew what you were doing
You knew you weren't ready
So tell me should I stay or should I go

I woke up in the morning with my eyes swelling
I know you might call me crazy
But in my dreams, I've been crying
I can see you there yet you're walking away
It hurts to have something and nothing at the same time

To hold you I must let go
But there are things that I still don't know
That's why I'm holding on coz I really need to know
What have you been hiding
Why can't I feel your smile anymore
Are they a reflection of your happiness
Or an awkward gesture telling me there's something wrong

Maybe I will just quietly leave this place
But everything that's around me
Just reminds me of you
I still have your things here that I still need to return
But how can I turn away again and again

I'm just a coward who's afraid of losing you
I'm really afraid of falling too deep
And then you ask me to leave
Maybe I will cry maybe I wouldn't mind
But I'm sure I'm gonna miss you
The memories never gonna fade
My heart will ache but I won't be able to say
Coz I will not be able to see you
I know you wouldn't want to see me too

There is forever in this world.

I hope someday someone can prove it to you.

BLOGGS.

it's simply miraculous how i happen to stumble upon a blog which i naively thought that it belongs to my secondary school friend (coz the address was similar. i only realised that it's some unknown person's blog the next day when i saw my secondary school friend's blog address advertised on his msn).

anyway, i browsed through the so-called latest entry and was somewhat dumbfounded by what i'd read. it was totally incoherent to what my friend would have written. (i'm not baised but simply assumed to be 'coz he had never presented himself as an intelligent person. he'd always thought he was funny.)

however, i managed to convince myself that i shouldn't judge a book by its cover (in this case, a further mathematics textbook with the cover of paris hilton naked) since two of my ex-classmates confirmed with me that his command of english language is terrific.

i continued reading 'his' previous entries and was instantly struck with an absolute admiration. he wrote melancholy poems and descriptive proses with such profundity and convictions. beautiful was the only word that came to my mind.

it was late night and i'd decided to turn in. i needed time to assimilate the marvelous writings.

it was raining in the morning when i found out that the blog doesn't belong to my friend

and i laughed.