AN APOLOGY. RIGHT.

*the purpose of this entry is solely to address the 'visitor' who had kindly commented on the September 26, 2005 entry: BIMBO BITCHES.

first and foremost, i would like to thank you for commenting on the entry and certainly, i would like to apologize to you if i had offended you in any way. please don't get angry and allow me to explain alright?

a diligent girl with a possibly bright future was forced to commit suicide because she felt that it was the best way out of the mental torture she was subjected to by the schoolmates. how can I not be angry when I read the article?

i'd expressed my anger on the issue of bullying on my blog because i felt that it was necessary to somehow or rather spread the news. i know i do not have a blog as popular as what others might have. however, i'm sure that my blog do have some level of viewership.

i feel that the people who are reading my blog are most probably matured enough to defend themselves when they are actually being bullied! for a matter of fact, i feel that it is NOT very easy for younger readers to decipher what i'm trying to say in the previous entry because of the usage of extremely callous and bombastic vocabularies. apparently, you having such amazing command in english that you are able to identify the fact that i am using strong words to accentuate how much i feel about the issue

and apparently, you're still alive and kicking.

according to what you had mentioned in the comments. you said that you were from one of the schools that i'd previously attended. so am i right to say that you are very close to my age?

if that is so, brother, you old enough to take care of yourself liao la. you've emerged victorious in your battle with the bullies in your early days! you are THE man can! move on and stop wallowing in self-pity alright? you WERE a victim.

now, you are free and independent.

i believe that when i'd been a bystander conforming to the rest of the students' mentality towards your behavior, i must have been a very childish and unsecured boy. i might have been aware that if i didn't conform, i would have either become a victim myself or lose my 'friends'. for this, i apologize to you sincerely. i was weak.

however, at the age of nineteen, i no longer care if i will lose my 'friends' if i stood up for someone else who is bullied by them. why? it's simply because my friends are all matured enough to understand my actions and i do believe that their guilt will engulf their bodies like flames and devour their souls like devil. or it may be simply because we've stopped playing the 'i don't friend you' game since a very very long time ago. (:

i am not a saint and i never did mention once about myself being a saint. all i did was to express how i felt when i read about a girl being driven to death. i find it very ridiculous because such things could have been avoided if the teachers were aware or the parents had done something about it. something could have been done to prevent her death!

all in all, this is just my perspective and the whole world can disagree. i don't mind about that because i am not perfect. sigh.

i'm just flawless. (:

BIMBO BITCHES.

be it societal stigma, discrimination or stereotype.

all these narrowed perspectives are the crux to the derived social problem (which is extremely rampant among adolescents in schools nowadays) called bullying.

first of all, i am very upset regarding this issue. i'd always been aware of such psychological taunts and physical torment in schools. however, i'd failed to realize that there are actually a few victims in singapore whom had turned to death as a release from their painful sufferings.

we've all been to school and i feel that i can safely assume that most of us have encountered such incidents before irregardless of us being victims, perpetrators or simply bystanders. no matter what roles we were assuming, i believe that most of us had felt the dejection from being rejected from other people before.

imagine yourself being subjected to such rejection for almost every other day in school. can you imagine how distraughted these children feel? i feel that it doesn't matter whether if they are victims or simply just incapable of socializing, these children DO NOT deserve to go through such traumas.

here's an excerpt from the new paper on sunday 'driven to death' article:

the new paper on sunday was given a peek into susan's (not her real name) diary, where she would give an account of what happened in school every day. the entries are heartbreaking and, in the light of her death, chilling.

on the 1 oct entry, for example, susan recounted how a classmate had told her if she "want to die, go die". she also recorded that one of the staff members in her school had called her a loner, which she interpreted as being someone who did not contribute to society and was a pest.

her disturbed father said, "the teacher had wrongly assessed her as a loner. i know my daughter well. i know that she was quiet in class because she didn't want to get bullied."

according to him, susan was a quiet and diligent girl who came from a neighbourhood school. she was a slim and fierce child who took things seriously and seldom voiced her concerns. she was the only daughter, and had two younger brothers that she had doted on and tutored. a results slip showed that she had good academic results and had even come in 1st in class for her sec 4 mid-terms exams.

"my daughter was a good student, but she was sensitive to people's comments. when she did well in her exams, a few students would ask her, 'why study so hard? what’s the point?' a few classmates even asked her to kill herself," claimed mr lee.

in Susan's diary, she wrote that her classmate had first asked her to kill herself when she was in sec 2. mr lee confirmed this, saying that problems started when his daughter had joined the school's military band in sec 1 and was promoted to a sergeant the following year.

he claimed, "through letters she and her friends had exchanged in sec 2, i could tell there were a lot of jealousy, gossip and politics going around. it was at this time when my daughter told me she was being bullied, and i can tell from the letters she received there were nasty comments. she had wanted to change school as well, but we had not done so in the end."

susan was so affected that for a school project in sec 3, she wrote a long and melancholic poem. it included lines such as "she couldn't understand the hate everyone felt towards her, couldn't anyone see she just didn't want to be left alone?" and "everyone stared at her like there's something so terribly wrong."

the chilling finale suggested her first thoughts of suicide: "cry not for her death, for she has no regrets. weep not for her soul, for she is in a better place."

such beautiful poem but it's such a pity that this girl has been driven to death by her very own schoolmates. this girl could have a promising future but what she lacked was the skill to cope with such peer pressure.

what i feel is that in school, teachers should play a more active role in identifying students with the incapability to express themselves well to people. counselling may not be as effective because i feel that it would be better if the teachers established friendship with these less-active children instead. by establishing friendship, the children can slowly open up to their teacher more easily and in turn be able to speak out whenever they felt ostracised by their fellow schoolmates.

what the parents can do at home is that to communicate more often with their children. ultimately bonds are built through the many conversations that allow each of us to understand each other more. with growing understanding, there will inevitably be stronger bonds! parents nowadays are too busy dealing with work and have in the course neglected their children. they spent hours on their job to perform up the standard. same goes to their children, they've got to spent time in order to perform their roles as parents up to standard!

susan reminds me of my sister. my sister is in the best class of the special stream in her school. she is very diligent in her schoolwork and topping the school is nothing shocking to hear. however, there was once she told me that her classmates were teasing her very often. i've asked her about what they teased her about and i was quite surprised and in fact a little angered with how these children actually thinks nowadays.

my sister's classmates laugh about the brand of the foolscap paper she used! they said that the brand she used was lousier and inferior compared to what they were using. i found it very ridiculous and wanted my sister to rebut to their accusations. however, i'm actually quite glad that my sister told me that she didn't really bother about it because she found it really stupid to be affected by such childish comments. (sigh in relief.)

i've actually told my sister to tell me if people bullied her and that she should not resort to committing suicide as a solution to the problem. she just gave me a 'deow' face.

as i was saying about being angered with how these children thinks nowadays. why on earth did they even scrutinise the quality of their friend's foolscap paper?! it's not like they will be keeping their notes or homework until they graduate from the highest form of education they might be receiving in the near future. it's scary that children at such a young age already have such materialistic stereotyping mentality. it's like they are nymphs of the future bimbo bitches, for example, paris hilton (only that she bitches without speaking.) but what are these children when they grow up? oh my, i foresee a bunch of skeletal looking females dressed in skimpy branded cloths who bitches about the others who do not resemble like their cohort. ugh now that's disgusting.

i think all of us should blame their f-grade parents whom had dutifully imparted their NEED of attaining luxurious lifestyle to these pitiful little imps as a way of life. it's unfortunate that these parents slogged so hard to provide their children with excellent living conditions but only to educate them with the destructive perspectives of discrimination, stereotyping and stigmatisation.

seriously, i feel that something have to be done really quickly with regard to such mentality that some children actually possess. in the present and future, it's undoubtedly that we should all move towards a more open society with minimal stigmatisation mentality. if we really want to become a civilised and well-educated society, we should really do off with the discriminated perspectives that we study issues with.

maybe then, many issues could be solved

instantly.

*i hereby would like to thank ms owyong ru-jun and the new paper on sunday for letting me post an excerpt of the article 'driven to death'.

READ THIS ENTRY AND DIE.

it has always been in my head.

how the **** do i increase blog viewership! i've always been supporting every other people's blogs. especially this xiaxue. she is just amazing. i've been trying to identify the attractiveness of the blog. hmm.

it's pink?

nah.

uploaded many pictures?

yes.

interesting entries?

definitely.

interesting entries. well, it's subjective you know! however, we'd just got to admit the fact that humour has a larger market. boohoo. i know there's nothing wrong with writing prolifically emotional and poetic entries but there's just not enough market for it! at least, not many people take your pieces seriously.

yes. i've been trying hard to write funny stuffs but i guess i'm just not funny enough. i think i'll probably start posting my naked pictures online and make people laugh. oooh. maybe not. i'll just end up being deemed as one associated with an inferior social class left absolutely deteriorated in one corner. ugh.

anyway, what the hell is wrong with me? seriously, i think i am funny but do you think that i am funny? okay let me tell you a joke and we'll try and assess my humouring ability?

==========

THE JOKE.

i was left alone in a corner.
spitting right in a bowl.

she passed by.
threw coins in my spitbowl.

i erected.
erm. stood up.

she froze.
i placed the spit-covered coins.

right in her left hand.
she grimaced.

i'm sorry.
that's my bowl.

this is my joke.

==========

right. i don't think you're laughing now. instead, you MUST be thinking that i am trying too hard. ugh. stop it. i will come up with something really funny. and i swear that when that time comes.

i'll make you laugh till you drop.

dead.

IT.

because of it.
i am weak.

but i am strong.

for it.

it occupies me.
but then again.

it sets me free.
it shattered my heart.

but it built me a dream.
it instigated me to depend on it.

but i'd became independent
because of it.

it took away my sight.
but it taught me to see.

it made me selfish.
but i'd became willing

to give away everything.
it led me out of reality.

yet it made me realise
what it really means.

it hurt me.
but it healed me.

it took away things.
but it gave me more.

at times, it seems to be gone.
but it is around. all the time.

close your eyes
feel

because love

it is all around.

INCOHERENCIALLY ATTRACTIVE.

a lonesome soul.
drifts silently.

the soft moonlight's piercing.

speak in whispers.
hint in screams.

subtle impression yet heavily understood.

smile sadly.
jovial tears.

cynical oppression critically un-stigmatized.

fallen people.
unbroken dreams.

a person in denial reacts expectantly.

lying honestly.
a second time.

thank you for reading my beautifully written


--- incoherency.

LIFE.

a beautiful flower.
it has thorns.

do you want it?
she gestured to me.

i shook my head.
her eyes smiled.

she picked it carefully.
placed it in a concrete vase.

it needs to breathe.
i know.

she watered the flower.
there's no space.

i know.
she placed it by the window.

the sunlight reaches it.
it will grow.

i didn't answer.
she smiled and left.

4 months gone.
i visited.

it's you.
her eyes smiled.

hi.
the flower.

it grew.
i told you.

i stared in wonder.
the flower grew.

out of the window.
i laughed.

my heart sparkled.
you will grow.

i smiled at her.
i'd witnessed it.

miracles?
nah.

it's just life.

GIRLS ARE HORNY.

"go touch edison's lor."

it's enough to stun me. why? coz one of the two girls sitting beside me actually incited the girl sitting nearer to me to *gasp* feel my dick.

okay okay i admit it turns me on but

--- GIRLS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HORNY!

girls are supposed to be angels who never think about sex or dream of having multiple orgasms spending a hot night with a tall muscular tanned guy with a tool as thick as a coca cola can.

girls are supposed to be reserved and practise 101% self control. they are not supposed to be interested in sex. in fact, they are supposed to be born coitophobic (fear of sexual intercourse).

ULTIMATELY, GIRLS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE SEX.

however, my naive impressions of girls are ruined with an experience like that. ):

==========

alrite alrite.. i may sound disappointed but please, i'm not.

in fact, i feel that i'd just had the right education --- and i liked it. (:

absolutely.

man, i like girls and for goodness sake

--- I LOVE SEX.

i really can't wait to bait a girl into my room and start humping her like a mad dog. i would love to do it raw so that i can derive 100% of the wholesome sensation of friction and lubrication. ooo.

"i did not make britney pregnant coz i came on her face." --- unknown tee

yea. i wanna do that too.

==========

*reality check*

==========

first of all, i gotta say that though at times we would definitely love to enjoy a night of hot sex or heavy petting, i guess it's time we stop acting like a bunch of horny teenagers and be responsible enough to think about the consequences that come with everybody's favourite past-time.

do you know that the number of abortions carried out in singapore is rising and most of the cases involve teenage mothers?

do you know that the number of babies being abandoned right after birth is growing too? (do you see the stop abandoning babies advertisement at mrt stations?)

do you know that the number of people infected with HIV are escalating and the number do not include those that are unaware of their infection? (HIV can be transmitted through *fellatio a.k.a oral sex)

i guess anyone who reads this entry should be able to think and start having the sense of responsibility and social etiquette to

1) respect all lives and be responsible for *creating them.

2) be considerate enough not to spread diseases to other people.

God loves all of us.

amen.

"I'M GETTING MARRIED."

my collegue told me.

i stared at him. "huh?"

"the holiday to hong kong is most probably for the honeymoon."

"you're serious?"

"haha shotgun la." he laughed.

i was absolutely awed by the news. i mean he's 21. she's 18. she's pregnant. how can i not respect a guy like him?

how does it feels like to be getting married at the age of 21 and soon becoming a dad?

the thought scares me.

at the age of 21, i will be in the university majoring in journalism and probably minoring in psychology or philosophy or maybe both. i'll most probably be doing free-lance designing and writing at the same time to get more exposure and experiences since these are the areas in which i want to expertise in.

sometimes, i will be driving my black mazda to town on saturdays and probably club or catch a late night show. occasionally, i might treat my friends to kbox to enjoy a night of loudness.

however, i will save up a few days doing the things that i enjoy doing alone such as swimming on a tuesday morning, laughing to the tons of "la bi xiao xin" i've bought, spending time with my girlfriend, or simply lying in bed doing nothing.

every sunday morning, i will be dining with my family at some chinese restaurant. sometimes for a change, we could visit macdonald instead. occasional new movie screenings at home with my family is absolutely pleasing to the heart.

however, during exam periods, all these might have to be halted for a while. instead of clubbing or movie nights, i might end up mugging in the late nights. during the day, National Library is first choice prior to Changi Airport Starbucks and EXPO Coffeebean and Tea Leaves.

all in all, these have to be done in the expense of time and if i were to be married with a kid at the age of 21. i guess i'll have to prepare a plan B.

however, what i can say is that getting married with a kid is not a bad news. in fact, it is a good and heart-warming one if you view it with no discrimination.

i think i'll have to start looking out for nice suits and be prepared to give a 'big' angbao. it's expensive to get married! somemore got kid! oh no!

anyway, life still goes on.

==========

a hole. i've fallen.
unlit. i see in the dark.

walk on by. over a hole.
fallen into. a moutain of sand.

shake it off. shake shake. shake it off.
i've got dust in my eyes.

walk on by.
another way. it is.

if it's dark. use a match.
cover up. the sun's heating up.

i've got matches.
i've got hands.

life never stays on.
life goes on ---

and on.

OURSELVES.

my ears were burning.
hyperventilating, probably. skewed towards mars.

the invisible moon, i didn't take notice of.
purposefully concealed inbetween my eyes. the bridge breaks.

there it fell. about half past ten --- no one injured
but one was missing.

his name was right there in the list.
i saw it. i read it.

whiteskyblue, i remembered. where was he? i studied the wreckage.
it struck me, estimated two seconds later.

he didn't thought he could survive. maybe he chose to leave.
fuckin' stupid. his desensitized senses, i pity.

let's go, i announced to the crowd. some refused.
i left. i didn't care much.

those who stayed, strong believers themselves.
they saw what i'd seen. he needed help.

he'd lost his faith. something unprovided.
something unfounded by others.

it's something deeper, somewhere hidden in him.
only he can find it within himself.

ourselves.