HAPPY LIKE A BIRDIE.

i guess it is this point in time when both my physical and mental aspects are at the brink of exhaustion that caused my mind to run wild, yet again. i feel weak all of a sudden, like there are a lot of things that i cannot accomplish. and for a while, i fear facing failures.

how do you brace yourself together to head on the storms? i guess for me, it is about experiencing the shattering cold and refusing to succumb to the numbness no matter how tough it is getting. and when you get through the storm, you emerge stronger, whether or not a success or failure.

i can feel my state of stagnation coming, or worse, declination. i'm refusing to let that happen, in fact, i'm desperately trying to rejuvenate. i keep going gym, to the point, i think i'm obssessed. not with my body, but with the state of momentary high from the endorphins released. yes, working out to achieve that momentary high is like taking a drug, to me.

i need to do something else; i need additional avenues for me to release my negative emotions. i hate feeling down, i'm done with and way past that 'emo' era.

dreams, mine seems so far away. i'm drifting so far from them because i'm getting increasingly realistic and practical. this is not who i want to be, but i am becoming this person for the better (or worse).

i need to do something, not to keep things off my mind, but to genuinely be happy.

like my friend told me, "...and so you can be happy like a birdie."

i wish.

THE MINISTRY OF DEFENSE.

betrayal, who hasn't came across such strong emotions, especially with friends you thought were always true, always faithful. it came to a breaking point for me one fine day and i decided to give up on humanity completely.

wait, don't get me wrong. i am still hopeful, i still believe i'll meet the 'right' people who've been through certain things and reached a certain phase in life and our chemistry works out just so perfectly, we can be friends for a lifetime.

but until life permits such luxury, i feel myself so naturally creates proper barriers to protect myself from getting hurt. why suffer for people who aren't worth it? this is a contradiction for me, because i want to form genuine friendship with people, i want to get closer beyond 'this'.

i think 'this' is something we all know, i don't have to explain word for word, but you know, it's just this point of the relationship with a person whereby you want to get closer - skin deep, more than 'this'.

but i can't. every time i get close enough, i will automatically back off and refresh myself - like i'm anticipating some forms of attacks and i'm getting ready to counter every single one of them. i don't even want to suffer a scratch. that's how bad this is getting.

bad, i can say it is, because i long for the closeness between true friends. i have a few, i am contented. i guess i'm a little greedy because i long for more (quantity) quality relationships with people.

how do i get close to someone now? i'm still figuring out this advanced defense mechanism that's inbuild in me.

THIS IS WHEN YOU REALISED YOU ARE FREAKING OLD.

i feel like i've outgrown many things in life. all of a sudden, emo is no longer a characteristic of me. it's quite upsetting at times because i realised, i started to push away negative thoughts so easily, half the time, i realised all i am engaged in are activities, no longer with myself.

i used to spend lots of time thinking about things, dreaming, yes i still do dream, but most of the time, the dreams are getting more and more realistic. i start planning, concrete goals to achieve so that i can reach where i wanna be in the future.

i stopped feeling frightened about things, i just do it. this is a good thing, but i seriously miss the times when i would dream of the impossible. now, everything seems so results-oriented, or at least, it should bring me somewhere, somehow.

damn it, i'm grown up. and no, i'm still not feeling emo about it.