JULIUS, WAIT.

I bought Julius his big bone today. He loved it (as usual). Right now, he's lying beside me napping. He got too tired from chewing. Lol.

Been a crazy week filled with projects and lessons. I had not fail to attend any lectures or tutorials except for today. I missed the Destination Planning lecture and I have a valid reason to. CCN Day.

Victor Victoria was amazing. Thanks to E who very kindly invited me for the Gala. I was very dressed up and initially, I was very worried about being overdressed. But when I got there, boy was I glad to fit in completely.

Okay, gotta go. I need to work harder! This is definitely not enough to get my distinctions. BOO.

I Don't Like Alcohol. I Love My Dog. I Love My Friends.

i don't like to drink. drinking makes me depressed. the after effect persists on for many many hours until i sweat it all out. yes just like what my spa lecturer describes excess nutrients as; toxin.

i'm in this consistent whirlpool of thoughts, when you look at me, you'll know i'm not a very happy person. i can't think about happy when i'm thinking about many other things. many other things = things that actually don't matter much. i don't know why i'm so bothered then.

i contacted my beloved friends. one is sleeping, one asked me to download the happy album of the year. lol. see how they affect me so positively. the thought of them just pushes aside all the bad thoughts and the smile just forces its way out of me.

i looked at my dog, asked him why he didn't want to eat his breakfast. he just gave me this sad face saying he doesn't like it. he wants more flavour. i told him, "later buy you big bone ok?" his face lights up in delight. he knew what i was referring to.

i'm surrounded by so many lovely people. people who shower me with so much love. okay, just wait for my best friend to call me back and everything will be okay.

we'll go for retail therapy. lol right.

spaces. life without dependence. it was a scary thought. situations happened, forced me out of my comfort zone. i eradicated the gaming addiction, freed up loads of time on my part. i spend more time doing things i like, i pay more attention to my friends, people that had been standing by me all the while. just that selfish me had not seen how precious these people are, until you met the bad eggs.

dreams, i find myself brave enough to dream about them now. not really worrying what you think of me anymore. i am myself. i was lost, and in the midst struggling aimless, i just stopped. i'm enjoying myself in this process. this is something i learnt, the hard way. i can go against the tide and swear about not getting what i want, or i can let the tide bring me where i'm supposed to be.

here i am, all found. pieces that were broken, i threw them out. now i'm just a complete individual, accepting love from all around. i'd always knew what it meant when they say you've got to love yourself before you can love someone. but i'd never knew how to love myself. i loathe myself, expecting people to love me. as expected, most of the time, people can only love this much and they go.

i've learnt to love myself now. and i'm here standing strong not on my own, but with the people who love me unconditionally. now that my life has finally just begun, i should start sharing with you some of my love. so that one fine day, you'll find love. the way love should be.

i cant breathe properly. i have this constant tightness in my chest that keeps me from exhaling and inhaling with ease. this sucks. i cried earlier this morning because i couldnt contain all these emotions coming right at me, especially when i see your presence pop up from my computer. gawd it's painful.

im trying to think positive, trying to act positive, trying to BE positive. but deep inside, im feeling like shit. my heart is aching, my mind keeps thinking. ugh, its really driving me crazy.

silence, the best way to get me going haywire because i dont like periodic breaks, i dont like emotion pauses. it kills me just to be patient and... wait. waiting to be decapitated, waiting to be disposed, waiting to be thrown away, waiting to be

alone.

best of all, im doing ALL these, ALL at the same time, and im still breathing.

coz that egoistic male in me still refuses to admit i lost.

the rain is falling hard outside my window, tapping the ground like many tiny people are rushing to get from point a to point b. i like the fact that now the sky is black, and the surrounding is enshrouded by darkness. the orange lights are not doing their job well enough in this rainy evening.

i just came home from swimming and gym. i had to sweat it all out. i'm still feeling really shiver-ish and unsettled. oh, i'm still trying to catch my breath.

my dog mistaken frasia as his toy. i left it on my bed and julius got it and ate it up. haha nonsense. he bit off his tail, two shoe laces, took off his shirt and pants. poor frasia, left on the floor all wet and used.

i'm starting a new blog www.squeezeyourballs.blogspot.com. however, i'm still waiting for someone to help me with the template. i suck at that. oh wells. i should equip myself with a camera, i want to make it a photoblog. something i can remember better than just plain words.

i know i'm going to sound emo saying this, i'm trying hard not to make it so emo-ish. my life don't suck, but i just screw things up pretty well. i think i should reconsider my mindset and be a better person. things just shouldn't end up this way.

at least, not like this.

if there was really a right way to identify my position in this place, i would really be happy. do i want to be like those people? never wanting to come to terms with reality. i am found, but are you settled? are you still searching, for that piece of paradise on earth? who are you, what do you really want from me? is this going to be life, all the way for ever. uncertain, unaware, seeking to understand that very rule to your life. where does this head to, where will i end up standing? do i want this life, or am i just afraid? nothing is cast in stone, even the hardest rock can wear off in time. will i come to my senses before my life comes to an end. will i be with the person, who fits in completely. maybe it's you, maybe it's never been. maybe you'll become, maybe i'll find. maybe it'll end, maybe then it'll start. maybe we'll keep quiet. just waiting for time to come find us.

because if this is love, i know
it doesn't matter who you're with.

because if this is love, i know
all i want for you is more than

the fact that i want you so badly.

because if this is love, i know
it's not about me, it's all about you.

because if this is love, i know
i will be able to overlook my own needs

and love you unconditionally.

because if this is love,
this should be enough.

鱼 - 陈绮贞

"带不走的丢不掉的让大雨侵蚀吧

让它推想我在辩解奋不顾身挣扎

如果有一个世界浑浊的不像话

我会疯狂的哀伤

带不走的留不下的我全都交付他

让他捧着我在手掌自由自在挥洒

如果有一个怀抱勇敢不计代价

别让我飞 将我温柔环绕

原谅我飞 曾经眷恋太阳"

It’s like dark clouds enshrouding the vision
I can barely see
Like my mind isn’t working
I can barely move my being
Entangled in self-inflicted sorrow
Nobody knows

I drown myself in alcohol
Hoping my mind would stop its function
It’s hard to look you in the eyes
When your eyes are looking
Past my sight

Walk away, shift out of my space
This is not the place for me
Let it go, let you go
I should be moving pass this phase

Entangled by affection so deep
Enshrouded by the only person I see
Like water it’s tainted
It’s never going to be clean

no point speaking out your mind when no one bothers to listen. anyone who care to share this heavy load in my head? my heart feels heavy, a little aching. i'd brought this to myself. it helps to not think, it helps pretending not to care. who am i? what rights do i have? none. all these, can only be said here, for myself to listen. because it ain't that important to you. nope, not that important at all.

That Connection With You

Waiting For You To Come Home

There's Too Many Things In The Head

you can walk away from all these
move on to another phase

a whole new world.

though it doesn't feel all that safe
but it's so easy to just walk away.

will it be a step filled with regrets
does it matter if no one really cares

you stand alone
haven't you, all along?

no more facade,
just the real face

who could ever understand this?
which is more important

to understand or to be understood.