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Hello there, weeks have passed. I feel like I'm constantly coming back to this blog to rant about things. I guess we can't always be at tip top condition. These are the moments that I feel really weak mentally (and physically today) when I just need to reflect on certain issues in life currently.

Music: I have been inspired to write a chinese song today. Pretty different from the usual songs I write. Which I feel is great. At least there's a breakthrough out of the usual song model i use. However, the melody is rather hard to catch. But I'm sure it'll grow on people as they listen to it more. Singing, I still need to work on it alot. Haha. But there's improvement, which is good. Hopefully, I can keep on progressing.

Life: Pertaining to my own plans, it's still heading in the right direction. Not much issues deviating from the usual. I should just keep working towards this direction. People, this is tough. I feel I have been building too much walls and too little bridges. I'm starting to knock into all these walls I built. =/ Let's not think too much into today.

THE HEART SPEAKS STUPIDLY.

sometimes, i really wonder how much i've grown in regards to how i deal with relationships. tough issue for me still actually, in fact, i'm still stuck in a hole. i can't bring myself to completely submit to love. i'm still skeptical, very careful. at the end of the day, i don't want to be foolish and get hurt for being stupid again.

i've learnt to use my brain more often than usual when making decisions. at times, when i like my heart speak, i realise how stupid i sound. how vulnerable i am exposing myself to people. i cannot allow that. i don't want people to scar me again.

i'm still waiting for you to come save me from where i am. where are you? honestly, i'm fine alone nowadays but it'll be good if you come right at me and just tear down these walls. and instead of falling, you lift me up.

let's get away from here. yeah, i'm still waiting for you.

IMAGINATION



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Lyrics:
They were sitting there
Talking about their dreams
I was standing there
Thinking about my own

I was listening
Closely to what they said
Then I realised
That I was somewhere there
Somewhere there

We were talking about hopes
And dreams and then
The world fills up
With love and lights to see
Imagination becomes reality
Someday I Know I will get there

Do you believe
That I'm gonna get there someday
Do you believe
I'm gonna take you to the stars

Then I can take you on
A journey there
And you could see that
Every single dream is possible
And I can change your mind
And make you see
That dreams are dreams
Only if you dream
Without believing

words, they sting like bees because after they stung, they just die off and mean nothing any more than that moment of angst. i'm afraid i'm a vicious verbal murderer that kills with the poisonous stinging words.

then again, if you know me well enough, how poisonous the words are, simply reflects how much it means to me that i have to go through such painful process of generating such vast collection of vocabulary to renounce your presence.

seriously, we're like kids, forever in a competition for the most minute issues. it's time to grow up and look forward into things that are far more important than these. i always complain about how my past have made me a broken man, but then again, if i had never experienced that, i will never be as strong as i am today.

we all fall, and we pick ourselves up. but i come to a conclusion that for me, i'll have to fall a million times before i can succeed for that very once. (accepts fate) and i do believe that God has it all planned out for me. what is there for me to worry at all? without faith, i will be worrying like mad now. but then, with faith, i'll just take whatever that comes my way. i know as long as i believe, i'll get the best out of every situations.

throw me in the deep end of the ocean and i'll learn how to swim butterfly strokes.

THE TRUTH IS.

Can't seem to breathe properly. The heart's unsettled. The mind's roaming everywhere. Staring at the message, I don't know what to say. Maybe I'll just wait till someday, my fairytale'll arrive.

And so you see, I realised what I have been doing. Shutting myself from needing somebody and feeling okay coz being alone ain't that bad afterall.

But once you opened up your heart and all the void starts sucking reality in. Then you realised how lonely it had been. All this while.

I'd just closed the door again. But I can still feel light breeze. It's sweet out there but I guess I'm still not ready. Or maybe this is just an excuse. So I don't have get hurt. To suffer, for pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

BUTTERFLIES.

I am feeling butterflies. My heart just refuses to sit still and wait. I'm listening to love songs. None of them appeases my state of emotion. There's this rush of adrenaline to my head as I waited patiently for a sense of logic to overcome my entre being. I hate this feeling of falling. I don't believe in love. Yet, im falling so deep. So deeply in love with you.

THE MINISTRY OF DEFENSE.

betrayal, who hasn't came across such strong emotions, especially with friends you thought were always true, always faithful. it came to a breaking point for me one fine day and i decided to give up on humanity completely.

wait, don't get me wrong. i am still hopeful, i still believe i'll meet the 'right' people who've been through certain things and reached a certain phase in life and our chemistry works out just so perfectly, we can be friends for a lifetime.

but until life permits such luxury, i feel myself so naturally creates proper barriers to protect myself from getting hurt. why suffer for people who aren't worth it? this is a contradiction for me, because i want to form genuine friendship with people, i want to get closer beyond 'this'.

i think 'this' is something we all know, i don't have to explain word for word, but you know, it's just this point of the relationship with a person whereby you want to get closer - skin deep, more than 'this'.

but i can't. every time i get close enough, i will automatically back off and refresh myself - like i'm anticipating some forms of attacks and i'm getting ready to counter every single one of them. i don't even want to suffer a scratch. that's how bad this is getting.

bad, i can say it is, because i long for the closeness between true friends. i have a few, i am contented. i guess i'm a little greedy because i long for more (quantity) quality relationships with people.

how do i get close to someone now? i'm still figuring out this advanced defense mechanism that's inbuild in me.

spaces. life without dependence. it was a scary thought. situations happened, forced me out of my comfort zone. i eradicated the gaming addiction, freed up loads of time on my part. i spend more time doing things i like, i pay more attention to my friends, people that had been standing by me all the while. just that selfish me had not seen how precious these people are, until you met the bad eggs.

dreams, i find myself brave enough to dream about them now. not really worrying what you think of me anymore. i am myself. i was lost, and in the midst struggling aimless, i just stopped. i'm enjoying myself in this process. this is something i learnt, the hard way. i can go against the tide and swear about not getting what i want, or i can let the tide bring me where i'm supposed to be.

here i am, all found. pieces that were broken, i threw them out. now i'm just a complete individual, accepting love from all around. i'd always knew what it meant when they say you've got to love yourself before you can love someone. but i'd never knew how to love myself. i loathe myself, expecting people to love me. as expected, most of the time, people can only love this much and they go.

i've learnt to love myself now. and i'm here standing strong not on my own, but with the people who love me unconditionally. now that my life has finally just begun, i should start sharing with you some of my love. so that one fine day, you'll find love. the way love should be.

because if this is love, i know
it doesn't matter who you're with.

because if this is love, i know
all i want for you is more than

the fact that i want you so badly.

because if this is love, i know
it's not about me, it's all about you.

because if this is love, i know
i will be able to overlook my own needs

and love you unconditionally.

because if this is love,
this should be enough.

鱼 - 陈绮贞

"带不走的丢不掉的让大雨侵蚀吧

让它推想我在辩解奋不顾身挣扎

如果有一个世界浑浊的不像话

我会疯狂的哀伤

带不走的留不下的我全都交付他

让他捧着我在手掌自由自在挥洒

如果有一个怀抱勇敢不计代价

别让我飞 将我温柔环绕

原谅我飞 曾经眷恋太阳"

It’s like dark clouds enshrouding the vision
I can barely see
Like my mind isn’t working
I can barely move my being
Entangled in self-inflicted sorrow
Nobody knows

I drown myself in alcohol
Hoping my mind would stop its function
It’s hard to look you in the eyes
When your eyes are looking
Past my sight

Walk away, shift out of my space
This is not the place for me
Let it go, let you go
I should be moving pass this phase

Entangled by affection so deep
Enshrouded by the only person I see
Like water it’s tainted
It’s never going to be clean

no point speaking out your mind when no one bothers to listen. anyone who care to share this heavy load in my head? my heart feels heavy, a little aching. i'd brought this to myself. it helps to not think, it helps pretending not to care. who am i? what rights do i have? none. all these, can only be said here, for myself to listen. because it ain't that important to you. nope, not that important at all.

That Connection With You

Waiting For You To Come Home

不是我不明白.

because everything doesn't matter when you're here with me. it may be raining, but to me, my life has never been brighter. it may be cold, but i'd never been so warm inside. you give me, that fuzzy warm feeling when i look at you. and when your eyes set on me, you melt me like a piece of butter. i love you, it might take time to see. but someday you will. someday you'll know, every single part of me, longs to be with you. especially the one here, beating every beat, for you.

i wish i could, look through your eyes, and read your mind. so i know, where do i stand, in your heart.

i wish i could, hold your hands, and stare up at the sky. not knowing if it's wrong or right. just you and me, without a care for the world.

i wish i could, evaporate into the wind, so i could be somewhere else, not here, by myself.

i wish i could, be there with you,

until the end of time.

frustration,
it overwhelmed for a while.

i didn't know how, or what,
triggered this ill feeling.

maybe it was the words i heard, or read,
just suddenly, it subsided.

i could hear my heart beat,
the sound of the breeze,

i felt at peace.

everything seemed so quiet, so tranquil,

i felt brave.

i have always been afraid to be alone,
but i realised, i can live on my own.

but what about you?

you are the piece that completes me.
so how do i live on, feeling empty?

maybe this void in my life,
is the only reason for me to carry on.

it reminds me, i was completed,
and that it's left empty now,

because i love you.
more than i love myself.

that's why, i can let you go.
maybe someday, you'll realise that i'd never left.

then you'll know, even without me around,
your life, has always been,

completed.

who would care, if not you.
if i should feel so down,
if i was crying.

who would care, if not you.
when i got bad results,
when i'm feeling frustrated.

who would care, if not you.
if the world came crashing down on me.

who would care, if not you.
if i stop loving you.

who would care, if not you.
if i felt miserable coz i'm waiting for you.

who would care, if not you.
who would cry, if not you.
who would.

only you would.

i love you.