i cant breathe properly. i have this constant tightness in my chest that keeps me from exhaling and inhaling with ease. this sucks. i cried earlier this morning because i couldnt contain all these emotions coming right at me, especially when i see your presence pop up from my computer. gawd it's painful.

im trying to think positive, trying to act positive, trying to BE positive. but deep inside, im feeling like shit. my heart is aching, my mind keeps thinking. ugh, its really driving me crazy.

silence, the best way to get me going haywire because i dont like periodic breaks, i dont like emotion pauses. it kills me just to be patient and... wait. waiting to be decapitated, waiting to be disposed, waiting to be thrown away, waiting to be

alone.

best of all, im doing ALL these, ALL at the same time, and im still breathing.

coz that egoistic male in me still refuses to admit i lost.

the rain is falling hard outside my window, tapping the ground like many tiny people are rushing to get from point a to point b. i like the fact that now the sky is black, and the surrounding is enshrouded by darkness. the orange lights are not doing their job well enough in this rainy evening.

i just came home from swimming and gym. i had to sweat it all out. i'm still feeling really shiver-ish and unsettled. oh, i'm still trying to catch my breath.

my dog mistaken frasia as his toy. i left it on my bed and julius got it and ate it up. haha nonsense. he bit off his tail, two shoe laces, took off his shirt and pants. poor frasia, left on the floor all wet and used.

i'm starting a new blog www.squeezeyourballs.blogspot.com. however, i'm still waiting for someone to help me with the template. i suck at that. oh wells. i should equip myself with a camera, i want to make it a photoblog. something i can remember better than just plain words.

i know i'm going to sound emo saying this, i'm trying hard not to make it so emo-ish. my life don't suck, but i just screw things up pretty well. i think i should reconsider my mindset and be a better person. things just shouldn't end up this way.

at least, not like this.

if there was really a right way to identify my position in this place, i would really be happy. do i want to be like those people? never wanting to come to terms with reality. i am found, but are you settled? are you still searching, for that piece of paradise on earth? who are you, what do you really want from me? is this going to be life, all the way for ever. uncertain, unaware, seeking to understand that very rule to your life. where does this head to, where will i end up standing? do i want this life, or am i just afraid? nothing is cast in stone, even the hardest rock can wear off in time. will i come to my senses before my life comes to an end. will i be with the person, who fits in completely. maybe it's you, maybe it's never been. maybe you'll become, maybe i'll find. maybe it'll end, maybe then it'll start. maybe we'll keep quiet. just waiting for time to come find us.

because if this is love, i know
it doesn't matter who you're with.

because if this is love, i know
all i want for you is more than

the fact that i want you so badly.

because if this is love, i know
it's not about me, it's all about you.

because if this is love, i know
i will be able to overlook my own needs

and love you unconditionally.

because if this is love,
this should be enough.

鱼 - 陈绮贞

"带不走的丢不掉的让大雨侵蚀吧

让它推想我在辩解奋不顾身挣扎

如果有一个世界浑浊的不像话

我会疯狂的哀伤

带不走的留不下的我全都交付他

让他捧着我在手掌自由自在挥洒

如果有一个怀抱勇敢不计代价

别让我飞 将我温柔环绕

原谅我飞 曾经眷恋太阳"