disappointment. no, i shouldn't be disappointed because i didn't want it enough. it was my fault. no point crying over spilt milk. ugh, fucked up. seriously, i ought to just set my mind on something and proceed. i'm faltering, as always. forever at the crossroads. been speaking to so many people, but then, really, i should know what is important to me. i feel so desperate. sucks.

nobody's gonna save me, i've gotta wake up. at least for now, because whoever you are, yes you are gonna come take me away from these mess. but now, it's me, myself, i. not you, but me. i need time to figure out what i want. i took so long. i'm still here. original place. standing still. wtf.

this is a pointless irrelevant piece of entry that illustrates how fucked up i am. or maybe, i'll then wake up from this mess that i created. cumulative load of shit i've gotta throw out sooner or later.

go to hell.

time is precious. right now, i'm wasting every single moment of it. i feel like a pledged procrastinator. :/ but then, i really need to think about what i wanna do with this life. i don't wanna end up going in the wrong direction again.

i look at people, everybody else seems so focused and definate about what they wanna do with their lives. and as for me, i'm pretty much proceeding with my heart somewhere else. :/

time is slipping and i'm still standing still where i am since last monday. 7 days passed and all i gotten was a little bit anxious. this is crap. totally.

somebody help me? i need advice. but then again, who knows me better than myself? :/

COMFORTABLY LONELY.

I can't quite comprehend this phase of my life. For once I thought I found "myself", I ended up equally lost as I was before. Moments pass like water, I hardly notices any. I found myself looking at things, in fact, I was just staring blankly. In the midst, I was trying to figure out how things work, to deny facts to make myself feel better.

Life suddenly becomes surreal. Like I feel I'm just a stranger in this place. No matter how aware I get of it, I just feel I'm drifting further and further away. The more I know, the less I understand. Hmm. I'm quite disappointed with myself because I always thought that I can figure things out like there's a formula to everything. Apparantly, even there are the formulas around, I'm not adequate enough to acquire whatever is necessary.

And here I am, sitting in front of this gaming computer, not gaming, but blogging. My head hurts, my stomach's growling. I need to bathe, yeah. Gonna pop some pills to rid the headache. Sucks. I have not studied for exams. And papers start on tuesday.

For a while, I realised, I am indeed, a very comfortably lonely man.

THE TRUTH IS.

Can't seem to breathe properly. The heart's unsettled. The mind's roaming everywhere. Staring at the message, I don't know what to say. Maybe I'll just wait till someday, my fairytale'll arrive.

And so you see, I realised what I have been doing. Shutting myself from needing somebody and feeling okay coz being alone ain't that bad afterall.

But once you opened up your heart and all the void starts sucking reality in. Then you realised how lonely it had been. All this while.

I'd just closed the door again. But I can still feel light breeze. It's sweet out there but I guess I'm still not ready. Or maybe this is just an excuse. So I don't have get hurt. To suffer, for pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

BUTTERFLIES.

I am feeling butterflies. My heart just refuses to sit still and wait. I'm listening to love songs. None of them appeases my state of emotion. There's this rush of adrenaline to my head as I waited patiently for a sense of logic to overcome my entre being. I hate this feeling of falling. I don't believe in love. Yet, im falling so deep. So deeply in love with you.