ME

a soul that longed to be
something bigger than life itself.
where there is a purpose much greater
than living itself.

trapped in a shell he cannot abandon
neither can he find the courage to hold it up high
scars he cannot erase
some things he's desperate to hide.

some people just don't understand
he's rejected because of that.
unhappy with a life that he has
no contentment, some might say.

he is a sinner no one will save
borned into a hopeless world
a superficial world
he cannot let go off.

he long to be somewhere
he can never be.
he'd never accepted himself for someone
whom he really is.

a madman in a mask.
a loser trying to win.
an endless pursuit of honour.
a sinner,

he'll always be.

THE A HUNDRED HOURS A DAY WISH

i really wish that a hundred hours made up a day.

because then i can do whatever i want and be satisfied. really satisfied. whaha. but then again, i'll probably hope that two hundred hours made up a day. oh well.

so make it right, now i have twentyfourhoursaday.

i want to play. i NEED to study. ahhhh i hate to make such choices. it's so obvious what i will choose but i can't!

brrr.

oh man, make it a hundred hours will you?

THAT SUMMER AND THEM

i'm having a freaking bad headache. haha. probably coz i didn't sleep in the proper position just now. lol. i don't know what's going through their heads. i don't know just how important they are to me and how important i am to them. and here you are reading my entry, paying attention to my thoughts, hoping to share a little wisdom with me. but why am i not putting you in the more important piority in my life? am i taking things for granted? sigh i really don't know. when you start trusting people and people changed, that feeling sucked.
BIG TIME. like all of a sudden, you feel stupid and naive. you feel like you're the greatest ass in the world and everyone's laughing at you. ah what a feeling!

maybe i should just do what i've always been doing. hmm haha. i'm too random. can't think of any specific things that i've been doing. oh well. just shoot me in the head and pray for me to go heaven to be with God.

i'll probably end up in hell though.

WHICH CAME FIRST, CHICKEN OR EGG?

i feel like i'm standing outside the circle drawn on the sand. it's dumb looking at chickens fight but can't help it. what's worse?

i feel like joining in. hahaha.

i'm bored. feel so uptight about myself. can't help but envy people who are enjoying their lives while i'm here waiting for my chance. the opportunity. it's peace now. it's in fact bliss too. don't want to lose it. but i want happiness still.

like i always do.

ah chickens fighting, so where's the eggs?

DON'T PEAK AT ME BATHING YOU MORON

there's this thing about contentment, about being happy, about being depressed; they run in a cycle. yes just like a cyclical fluctuation in a business cycle.

the peak and the unpeaked times.

i'm back at the peak having fun with all my friends. dotaing. clubbing. kboxing. animeing. feasting. movieing. ahh. it scares me at times because at the back of my head i know that all these won't last. there will be a time when all these fun will stop because everybody starts getting busy with other stuffs.

once again, life failed to remain permanent.

some people will say if it doesn't change, life will remain stagnant. yes i know but i rather it remain stagnanted at the PEAK.

and when i start thinking again. probably coz when you rest too long at the peak, you get tired and want to get some rest. that's when you start sliding down the slope back in the unpeaked times.

oh well i really wish life is always happy.

like ALWAYS HAPPY.

I WANT TO MARRY YOU

don't marry someone you can live with, marry someone you can't live without.

how sweet. how true. but when we really sit back and look around us. probably not many of us are lucky enough to do that.

we are, in fact, the most intelligent species on earth. apparantly, we may be weak physically, but our intellectual capabilities far exceeds anything on earth. our mental potential is so much wider that it may very well sum up to the extent of unlimitless. dare fool around with us, think twice, you beast.

we are cheap, cunning, selfish, arrogant. we protect ourselves so well.

speaking about adaptability. we might as well be the most adaptable species on planet earth. are you sure you can live without someone? blah that's nonsense in our generation mister.

we can't live without ourselves.

now the quote: "marry someone you can live with" is much more appropriate isn't it?

sadly, we go through phases of life. the mainstream flows like this, primary school, secondary school, junior college/poly, ns, university, work, work, work, work, work, work, retirement, work, dead. every time we enter a new phase, our life changes. people around us changes. we no longer proceed in the same direction. so sad, but true. the very nature that kept us so close together has forced us apart. we're best friends in history.

i fucking hate the mainstream. that's why. call me an idiot or snoy. whatever you want to call me. call me a kid who refuses to grow up. fine. i hate life. i hate the stupid procedures of a fucking life. it's stupid. plainly idiotic or snoyical. fuck man. life sucks. ughhh.

i'm just complaining. bahhhh.

fcuk.

THE GRASS IS GREENER ON THAT SIDE

the grass is always greener somewhere else. it's so true but i guess i'm not looking for greener grasslands anymore. i guess for me, i'd tasted the tastiest and the worst already. now all i want is just owning a piece of grassland of my own.

yea a piece that's owned by ME.

but when i start thinking again. i'm probably no longer a wandering sheep. i'd taken the other role already. i'm now a piece of grassland. yes i'm waiting for my sheep to hop on to me and start feeding on the grass i'm growing. but not here yet.

wonder where it'd wandered to.

oh well, grassland or cattle. i guess we all need to know how to be grateful when we finally found one that we love. i guess learning to treasure what you have found and not be greedy for more is of utmost importance. you'll probably be the luckiest man, sheep, grassland for always if you've learnt to treasure.

there's always a greener grassland, a fatter cattle, a better person somewhere. is the grassland that you own green enough, the cattle that you own fat enough, or the person that you love good enough?

ah fuck.

THAT STRAWBERRY BUBBLEGUM TAPE

ben thanks for the strawberry bubblegum tape!

THE ISSUE ON JUDGMENT

It is a common thing for many to play pretend. Most people fake ignorance for a simple reason; they cannot face reality and they need to escape from it.

It is like the frog in the well analogy. They only look from that fixed scope of life. Nothing more because they refused to come out of it. They refused to accept that there is something bigger than that. A life much bigger than them.

We all view life based on our experiences but how fair can it be? We have not seen everything. In fact, we will never be able to go through EVERYTHING in life. It is like playing a game of choices. You are given 2 choices in the first stage. After you have made your choice, you might never be able to come across the choice that you have forsakened for the one you chose in the subsequent stages.

It is only fair for us to leave room for doubt. We should give each and every thing the liberty to be something we have not came across. It is only fair that we resist judging. That is when we can truly see a person for the person he really is or a thing for a thing it really is.

The state of confusion only happens when we refuse to accept the person or thing just because we do not understand the rational or even simply for what it really is. We cannot say something or someone is crazy just because we do not understand the theory behind it.

Most of the time people quarrel because they do not understand what each other is trying to say. Each individual is trying to make the other understand his point but we often forget that listening and understanding each other is equally important for us to have effective communication.

Counsellors act as mirrors for their patients. They do not tell their patients what is wrong or right. They let the patients see it for themselves.

There is no clear definition to many issues in life. Let us be liberal and give the benefit of the doubt to many incidents that will occur in our life. Probably by doing so, we can expect a much fuller understanding of life without having to force it to flow in our desired way of life.

EUU

dreams. ugh im having nightmares recently. hahahaha so weirdd.

A RAINY DAY IN YOUR SKY

like the weather, like a storm that brews in front of your eyes.
seconds to change, last not more than days or nights.
because the transformation is random, you cant predict the outcome.
like the wind that carass your skin, like the sun that warms your body
like a hug from a friend, like a kiss from your sister.
a dream that lasts is only a dream that you dream of
for things change by the seconds, so fast you cant keep up.

PUZZLE BUBBLE

uniform outing is fun. we took photos. i saw charlotte! she couldn't recognise me. lol. of coz. i wasn't in tpjc uniform. hahaha i threw my away and borrowed from melvin instead. lol.

she gave me the weirdest look man.

then was the arcading in marina bay in the middle of the night! i working in the morning la. haha but it was damn fun. i don't know. just going against my normal routine and just have fun. it was fun. i'd never done something so crazy before. oh ya, we went to geylang to eat. ahhhhh it was damn nice la. maybe i was hungry.

o well.

and then i got home at 5 plus. then wake up at 7. i nearly wanted to hide away in dreamland la. haha i was irritated by mum! but yea, it was just morning kinda moody thing when you are damn tired la.

went to work. slept. lol. sat in the car, fell asleep every 5 mins? haha. o well. forgive me sir.

ahhh i like having fun.

and at the back of my head. something keep telling me to study.

STRAWBERRY CHEESECAKE

avril lavigne is hot.

SOME PEOPLE

some people believe in second chances. some people believe that letting go of what was not meant to be would be the best thing to do. some people cry because they are sad. some people laugh because they find it stupid to cry. some people need people around when they are weak. some people likes to be alone because they need to clear their mind. some people think some things are important. some people think nothing can hold them down. some people treasure. some people lost. some people hurt. some people heal. some people learn. some people always make the mistakes. some people always hurt. some people always.

if there were second chances. if there was a time machine. if there is a reason.

i wouldn't have to stay here griefing.

on the things i should have never done.

THE FERMENTATION OF WHEAT

INNER PEACE man. haha bingzhao will know what it means. lol. ah i cleared up almost all the shit that i created! whahahaha and i will continue to clear up the shits that are still around. lol. i'd let them lie around too long. this place's stinking up. whahahha.

bingzhao. i don't want to put up the cutie pie pic. lol. ok i just go add on to the post then can compare the two of us. whahhaha. see who's more disgusting. hahahahahahaha.

i didn't go church yesterday. AHH. okay it's my fault i was lazy. sorry Lord.

BIG CHUNKS OF COOKIES

i'm sorry ben. i'm sorry anavil. i'm sorry max.

finally got through IISS deployment. ughhh. heh thanks so much sherman for switching QRT with me. lol. if not for you i would have been really bored standing at the driveway.

arh shangri la is damn nice la. i'm gonna book a room there one fine day.

bye i'm going to church.

I'M SORRY

even under the clear blue sky
he will never be able to calm
for there's a storm in his heart
that was stirred.

SURVIVING

2nd night. ughh it was better though. lol. all thanks to evelyn who volunteered for deployment last night. haha. ugh tonight she's not deployed. gawd. who's working tonight? hmm..

I CAN BURP MY ABCs

ever since i joined spf, my days simply started numbering itself. i practically stayed awake from one day to another. my body clock is adjusted till i practically sleep anywhere at anytime so that i can stay awake when im ought to be awake.

last night's deployment was a horrid. it's 1138hrs, i'd just reported off 2 hours ago. at 1800hrs, i'll be back in npc. brr.

these are the days.