The Regurgitation of Emotive Illustrations

2010-07-10T20:47:00.002+08:00

SHOW ME SOME POSITIVITY

A recent conversation with a dear friend regarding positivity changed my entire perspective on being human. Positivity negates negativity and simultaneously attracts more positivity. We may fall low at times but how you turn the situation around is in fact just dependant on your state of mind.

There are the few people I came across in my life that are always happy. They naturally attracts people to them (friendly terms). People feel happy staying around them and speaking to them. It's like their positivity overflows out of them and they do nothing! They can just stand there and smile. But that overflowing aura of positivity just negates your negativity and you feel so good just being their friends.

Maybe it's time we all start thinking about why we should stop gossiping about people, complaining about life, etc. And start looking to the positive side to many issues that affect us in life. And who knows, our lives will only start getting better...

And better.

2010-07-01T21:29:00.002+08:00

YouTube subscribers update: 150

Hello blog for the 2nd time today. I practised "Terrified" for a few times again. I realised this song has too wide a range for me to sing like I did in "Imagination". I think I'm gonna sing it with more power (more air). My vocals sounded more in control and the tone is much richer. It just hit me that different songs have to be sung differently.

Let's summarise certain things I have learnt over the months of my YouTube journey.

1) Different songs must be sung differently.
2) Breathing is critical. More air gives more control and a richer tone.
3) The notes must flow melodiously. Do not let notes fly everywhere or break the phrases.
4) Sing into a focal point. (this one I'm not too sure but it does help in giving me more controlled vocals)
5) Pitch!!! Practise!!!
6) Warm up!!! Doing singing exercises help alot!!! When you sing, it sounds smoother. (refer to point 3)

Okay these are pretty much what I have learnt over the months. I'm gonna continue practising "Terrified" tomorrow!!!

Wish me luck!

2010-07-01T19:09:00.002+08:00

YouTube subscribers update: 149

Hello blog. I was practising "Terrified" the whole afternoon today. It was enlightening initially, finding out my own style of singing. So what exactly is my style of singing? I'm still in the stage of self discovery but so far, what I learnt is that me playing my guitar and singing. That is the real me. I am a singer-songwriter. That is me.

In the midst of my YouTube journey, I got lost of who I am. I was trying out so many types of songs but I realised the best genre for me is what I did in the first video "Imagination". Just my guitar and my voice, getting into the music and feel the groove. Yup, that's what I do best.

But after recording "Terrified" over 30 times and feeling really good about myself. I stumbled upon some other people's covers and I felt really demoralized. I re-listened to my own recording and I realised although I had the groove, I was lacking in my tone. My notes sounded thin. - Okay I think it's the breathing problem. Not enough air to support coz I'm focusing too much on the groove. I probably should stick with the range and practise more.

Wish me luck. =/

2010-06-20T21:24:00.002+08:00

YouTube Channel update: 135 subscribers.

Hello there, weeks have passed. I feel like I'm constantly coming back to this blog to rant about things. I guess we can't always be at tip top condition. These are the moments that I feel really weak mentally (and physically today) when I just need to reflect on certain issues in life currently.

Music: I have been inspired to write a chinese song today. Pretty different from the usual songs I write. Which I feel is great. At least there's a breakthrough out of the usual song model i use. However, the melody is rather hard to catch. But I'm sure it'll grow on people as they listen to it more. Singing, I still need to work on it alot. Haha. But there's improvement, which is good. Hopefully, I can keep on progressing.

Life: Pertaining to my own plans, it's still heading in the right direction. Not much issues deviating from the usual. I should just keep working towards this direction. People, this is tough. I feel I have been building too much walls and too little bridges. I'm starting to knock into all these walls I built. =/ Let's not think too much into today.

2010-06-09T22:54:00.002+08:00

SETBACKS THAT I LOVE

we all need the occassional setbacks to propel us forward in life. a lot of times, we view 'setbacks' literally as being incidents that obstruct us from reaching our goals. ironically, it is these obstruction that fuels us even more strongly to breakthrough and reach another level.

simply put for my case, i feel that every time i get hit by a criticism about my singing or songwriting, it gives me a 'mini goal' to accomplish. all these small steps that i take brings me further than what i could ever imagined it to be.

not surprisingly, with every video i put up, every song that i sing, every song that i write, i want to be better than before. now, i'm taking longer to put up a video. this is good because i want to make sure i put up something that keeps showing that i'm improving.

120 subscribers right now. my goal - 1,000,000. haha sounds far fetched but i gave myself 3 years and unlimited times of putting up videos. someday, i'll make it. it's how i brace myself through the obstacles right now.

the present is a gift. i look at these 120 people who believes in me right now and i always tell myself. i should really do something to get to know these 120 people. i'm currently thinking of putting up a video to thank these people who believes in me.. all these mean so much, so much to me.

if you happen to be reading this, i would like to thank you for this amazing gift you have for me. i know this is very hard to keep my word to but i would have to hold on to this belief. as long as 1 person is touched by my song and singing.

i'll keep on singing.

2010-05-28T02:28:00.002+08:00

all of us want to be great men, don't we? i want to be great. but at this point in time, all i feel is inadequacy. everywhere around me are great people with all walks of achievements. and then, i'll turn back and look at myself in the mirror. what have i achieved?

i know what i want in life, but every step i take feels like i'm walking on quicksand. with every step i take, i sink in a bit. i feel like even before i can reach where i want to be, i'll already be drowned...

my heart aches badly because i'm so far away from my dreams. and it's even worse when all i see are the flaws that i have and i have no clue how to make things work. there are tons of problems but i have no idea how to begin solving them.

i guess people around me thinks i'm over-reacting, which in fact, i know it's understandable because they are not seeing things in my light. i've already reached that point in life when i know this is what i want and if i'm not going to be doing this for a living, i will never be happy doing whatever that i'm going to do to live.

my dreams, i am so clear about it. right now, it's all these physical limitations that i am stuck with. i need a concrete plan to resolve these limitations... and the problem is...

how do i start?

='(

2010-05-10T02:02:00.002+08:00

Dear Blogspot

i realised how twitter and facebook have altered my way of writing down my life experiences. i'm more of a "spasm" emotional person who updates these "spasms" periodically via twitter and facebook.

oh yes my youtube channel as well. =) 56 subscribers!!! not fantastic number, but i'm writing songs for 56 people who believes in my music!

i knew this is what i'm passionate about. writing songs to heal broken hearts and souls... share a story or an experience.. connecting with people through a song... how wonderful is that? =)

do subscribe to me on youtube www.youtube.com/mrjustincross i need all the support i can!

check out my facebook profile www.facebook.com/edisonjustincross

and follow me on twitter www.twitter.com/edjustin

Yours truly
Mr Cross

2010-04-17T17:41:00.004+08:00

THE HEART SPEAKS STUPIDLY.

sometimes, i really wonder how much i've grown in regards to how i deal with relationships. tough issue for me still actually, in fact, i'm still stuck in a hole. i can't bring myself to completely submit to love. i'm still skeptical, very careful. at the end of the day, i don't want to be foolish and get hurt for being stupid again.

i've learnt to use my brain more often than usual when making decisions. at times, when i like my heart speak, i realise how stupid i sound. how vulnerable i am exposing myself to people. i cannot allow that. i don't want people to scar me again.

i'm still waiting for you to come save me from where i am. where are you? honestly, i'm fine alone nowadays but it'll be good if you come right at me and just tear down these walls. and instead of falling, you lift me up.

let's get away from here. yeah, i'm still waiting for you.

2010-03-29T22:56:00.000+08:00

IMAGINATION

Subscribe to me!!!
http://www.youtube.com/mrjustincross

Lyrics:
They were sitting there
Talking about their dreams
I was standing there
Thinking about my own

I was listening
Closely to what they said
Then I realised
That I was somewhere there
Somewhere there

We were talking about hopes
And dreams and then
The world fills up
With love and lights to see
Imagination becomes reality
Someday I Know I will get there

Do you believe
That I'm gonna get there someday
Do you believe
I'm gonna take you to the stars

Then I can take you on
A journey there
And you could see that
Every single dream is possible
And I can change your mind
And make you see
That dreams are dreams
Only if you dream
Without believing

2010-03-21T01:45:00.002+08:00

today was an eventful day for me, with millions of thoughts struck in my head. the best of all, all these thoughts were all about one simple idea - passion.

i'm going to do something really stupid here, but i hope you don't mind. i'm going to list out the things that i love to do. things that will energize me the more i get myself involved in.

1) i love to write. not just stories, but great ideas, philosophies, enlightenment, etc. i love to inspire with words.

2) music and lyrics. tell a story and inspire with a song.

3) experiencing life. through the third person perspective. observation of people, in the society. to seek understanding, and experience the pieces of life - through others.

and the best medium for me to translate all these thoughts and emotions are through the power of language and music.

the purpose of listing out these passions is for me to voice out the avenues available for me to transform them into reality. at the same time, for me to evaluate the pros and cons of 'realizing' my dreams.

1) all i need is to start writing! since i love to write, i should work on it. be really good at what i do. someday, someone will bound to see the value in my writings and publish me. well, if i'm not going to start now, then when?

2) writing music, to me, isn't about the fame or money. to me, it is about sharing these pieces of my life with people. and hopefully through these pieces of my life, it can heal and inspire the broken hearted - the same way many people's pieces of life had healed my broken heart and inspired me to become a better person.

3) the only way for me to experience more of life is through meeting people. i should interact with more people, on a deeper level, to gain more perspectives to life. and of course, to open up my heart, mind, and soul, to understand crazy novel ideas and thoughts.

someday, i do wish to complete this puzzle on life.

2010-03-17T14:50:00.003+08:00

words, they sting like bees because after they stung, they just die off and mean nothing any more than that moment of angst. i'm afraid i'm a vicious verbal murderer that kills with the poisonous stinging words.

then again, if you know me well enough, how poisonous the words are, simply reflects how much it means to me that i have to go through such painful process of generating such vast collection of vocabulary to renounce your presence.

seriously, we're like kids, forever in a competition for the most minute issues. it's time to grow up and look forward into things that are far more important than these. i always complain about how my past have made me a broken man, but then again, if i had never experienced that, i will never be as strong as i am today.

we all fall, and we pick ourselves up. but i come to a conclusion that for me, i'll have to fall a million times before i can succeed for that very once. (accepts fate) and i do believe that God has it all planned out for me. what is there for me to worry at all? without faith, i will be worrying like mad now. but then, with faith, i'll just take whatever that comes my way. i know as long as i believe, i'll get the best out of every situations.

throw me in the deep end of the ocean and i'll learn how to swim butterfly strokes.

2010-03-12T20:12:00.002+08:00

disappointment. no, i shouldn't be disappointed because i didn't want it enough. it was my fault. no point crying over spilt milk. ugh, fucked up. seriously, i ought to just set my mind on something and proceed. i'm faltering, as always. forever at the crossroads. been speaking to so many people, but then, really, i should know what is important to me. i feel so desperate. sucks.

nobody's gonna save me, i've gotta wake up. at least for now, because whoever you are, yes you are gonna come take me away from these mess. but now, it's me, myself, i. not you, but me. i need time to figure out what i want. i took so long. i'm still here. original place. standing still. wtf.

this is a pointless irrelevant piece of entry that illustrates how fucked up i am. or maybe, i'll then wake up from this mess that i created. cumulative load of shit i've gotta throw out sooner or later.

go to hell.

2010-03-08T18:07:00.003+08:00

time is precious. right now, i'm wasting every single moment of it. i feel like a pledged procrastinator. :/ but then, i really need to think about what i wanna do with this life. i don't wanna end up going in the wrong direction again.

i look at people, everybody else seems so focused and definate about what they wanna do with their lives. and as for me, i'm pretty much proceeding with my heart somewhere else. :/

time is slipping and i'm still standing still where i am since last monday. 7 days passed and all i gotten was a little bit anxious. this is crap. totally.

somebody help me? i need advice. but then again, who knows me better than myself? :/

2010-02-18T18:01:00.003+08:00

COMFORTABLY LONELY.

I can't quite comprehend this phase of my life. For once I thought I found "myself", I ended up equally lost as I was before. Moments pass like water, I hardly notices any. I found myself looking at things, in fact, I was just staring blankly. In the midst, I was trying to figure out how things work, to deny facts to make myself feel better.

Life suddenly becomes surreal. Like I feel I'm just a stranger in this place. No matter how aware I get of it, I just feel I'm drifting further and further away. The more I know, the less I understand. Hmm. I'm quite disappointed with myself because I always thought that I can figure things out like there's a formula to everything. Apparantly, even there are the formulas around, I'm not adequate enough to acquire whatever is necessary.

And here I am, sitting in front of this gaming computer, not gaming, but blogging. My head hurts, my stomach's growling. I need to bathe, yeah. Gonna pop some pills to rid the headache. Sucks. I have not studied for exams. And papers start on tuesday.

For a while, I realised, I am indeed, a very comfortably lonely man.

2010-02-01T21:39:00.002+08:00

THE TRUTH IS.

Can't seem to breathe properly. The heart's unsettled. The mind's roaming everywhere. Staring at the message, I don't know what to say. Maybe I'll just wait till someday, my fairytale'll arrive.

And so you see, I realised what I have been doing. Shutting myself from needing somebody and feeling okay coz being alone ain't that bad afterall.

But once you opened up your heart and all the void starts sucking reality in. Then you realised how lonely it had been. All this while.

I'd just closed the door again. But I can still feel light breeze. It's sweet out there but I guess I'm still not ready. Or maybe this is just an excuse. So I don't have get hurt. To suffer, for pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

2010-02-01T17:48:00.000+08:00

BUTTERFLIES.

I am feeling butterflies. My heart just refuses to sit still and wait. I'm listening to love songs. None of them appeases my state of emotion. There's this rush of adrenaline to my head as I waited patiently for a sense of logic to overcome my entre being. I hate this feeling of falling. I don't believe in love. Yet, im falling so deep. So deeply in love with you.

2010-01-22T13:41:00.004+08:00

HAPPY LIKE A BIRDIE.

i guess it is this point in time when both my physical and mental aspects are at the brink of exhaustion that caused my mind to run wild, yet again. i feel weak all of a sudden, like there are a lot of things that i cannot accomplish. and for a while, i fear facing failures.

how do you brace yourself together to head on the storms? i guess for me, it is about experiencing the shattering cold and refusing to succumb to the numbness no matter how tough it is getting. and when you get through the storm, you emerge stronger, whether or not a success or failure.

i can feel my state of stagnation coming, or worse, declination. i'm refusing to let that happen, in fact, i'm desperately trying to rejuvenate. i keep going gym, to the point, i think i'm obssessed. not with my body, but with the state of momentary high from the endorphins released. yes, working out to achieve that momentary high is like taking a drug, to me.

i need to do something else; i need additional avenues for me to release my negative emotions. i hate feeling down, i'm done with and way past that 'emo' era.

dreams, mine seems so far away. i'm drifting so far from them because i'm getting increasingly realistic and practical. this is not who i want to be, but i am becoming this person for the better (or worse).

i need to do something, not to keep things off my mind, but to genuinely be happy.

like my friend told me, "...and so you can be happy like a birdie."

i wish.

2010-01-17T22:25:00.007+08:00

THE MINISTRY OF DEFENSE.

betrayal, who hasn't came across such strong emotions, especially with friends you thought were always true, always faithful. it came to a breaking point for me one fine day and i decided to give up on humanity completely.

wait, don't get me wrong. i am still hopeful, i still believe i'll meet the 'right' people who've been through certain things and reached a certain phase in life and our chemistry works out just so perfectly, we can be friends for a lifetime.

but until life permits such luxury, i feel myself so naturally creates proper barriers to protect myself from getting hurt. why suffer for people who aren't worth it? this is a contradiction for me, because i want to form genuine friendship with people, i want to get closer beyond 'this'.

i think 'this' is something we all know, i don't have to explain word for word, but you know, it's just this point of the relationship with a person whereby you want to get closer - skin deep, more than 'this'.

but i can't. every time i get close enough, i will automatically back off and refresh myself - like i'm anticipating some forms of attacks and i'm getting ready to counter every single one of them. i don't even want to suffer a scratch. that's how bad this is getting.

bad, i can say it is, because i long for the closeness between true friends. i have a few, i am contented. i guess i'm a little greedy because i long for more (quantity) quality relationships with people.

how do i get close to someone now? i'm still figuring out this advanced defense mechanism that's inbuild in me.

2010-01-13T23:24:00.004+08:00

THIS IS WHEN YOU REALISED YOU ARE FREAKING OLD.

i feel like i've outgrown many things in life. all of a sudden, emo is no longer a characteristic of me. it's quite upsetting at times because i realised, i started to push away negative thoughts so easily, half the time, i realised all i am engaged in are activities, no longer with myself.

i used to spend lots of time thinking about things, dreaming, yes i still do dream, but most of the time, the dreams are getting more and more realistic. i start planning, concrete goals to achieve so that i can reach where i wanna be in the future.

i stopped feeling frightened about things, i just do it. this is a good thing, but i seriously miss the times when i would dream of the impossible. now, everything seems so results-oriented, or at least, it should bring me somewhere, somehow.

damn it, i'm grown up. and no, i'm still not feeling emo about it.

2009-11-13T20:20:00.003+08:00

JULIUS, WAIT.

I bought Julius his big bone today. He loved it (as usual). Right now, he's lying beside me napping. He got too tired from chewing. Lol.

Been a crazy week filled with projects and lessons. I had not fail to attend any lectures or tutorials except for today. I missed the Destination Planning lecture and I have a valid reason to. CCN Day.

Victor Victoria was amazing. Thanks to E who very kindly invited me for the Gala. I was very dressed up and initially, I was very worried about being overdressed. But when I got there, boy was I glad to fit in completely.

Okay, gotta go. I need to work harder! This is definitely not enough to get my distinctions. BOO.

2009-11-08T11:42:00.003+08:00

I Don't Like Alcohol. I Love My Dog. I Love My Friends.

i don't like to drink. drinking makes me depressed. the after effect persists on for many many hours until i sweat it all out. yes just like what my spa lecturer describes excess nutrients as; toxin.

i'm in this consistent whirlpool of thoughts, when you look at me, you'll know i'm not a very happy person. i can't think about happy when i'm thinking about many other things. many other things = things that actually don't matter much. i don't know why i'm so bothered then.

i contacted my beloved friends. one is sleeping, one asked me to download the happy album of the year. lol. see how they affect me so positively. the thought of them just pushes aside all the bad thoughts and the smile just forces its way out of me.

i looked at my dog, asked him why he didn't want to eat his breakfast. he just gave me this sad face saying he doesn't like it. he wants more flavour. i told him, "later buy you big bone ok?" his face lights up in delight. he knew what i was referring to.

i'm surrounded by so many lovely people. people who shower me with so much love. okay, just wait for my best friend to call me back and everything will be okay.

we'll go for retail therapy. lol right.

2009-11-06T00:17:00.002+08:00

spaces. life without dependence. it was a scary thought. situations happened, forced me out of my comfort zone. i eradicated the gaming addiction, freed up loads of time on my part. i spend more time doing things i like, i pay more attention to my friends, people that had been standing by me all the while. just that selfish me had not seen how precious these people are, until you met the bad eggs.

dreams, i find myself brave enough to dream about them now. not really worrying what you think of me anymore. i am myself. i was lost, and in the midst struggling aimless, i just stopped. i'm enjoying myself in this process. this is something i learnt, the hard way. i can go against the tide and swear about not getting what i want, or i can let the tide bring me where i'm supposed to be.

here i am, all found. pieces that were broken, i threw them out. now i'm just a complete individual, accepting love from all around. i'd always knew what it meant when they say you've got to love yourself before you can love someone. but i'd never knew how to love myself. i loathe myself, expecting people to love me. as expected, most of the time, people can only love this much and they go.

i've learnt to love myself now. and i'm here standing strong not on my own, but with the people who love me unconditionally. now that my life has finally just begun, i should start sharing with you some of my love. so that one fine day, you'll find love. the way love should be.

2009-10-19T14:41:00.002+08:00

i cant breathe properly. i have this constant tightness in my chest that keeps me from exhaling and inhaling with ease. this sucks. i cried earlier this morning because i couldnt contain all these emotions coming right at me, especially when i see your presence pop up from my computer. gawd it's painful.

im trying to think positive, trying to act positive, trying to BE positive. but deep inside, im feeling like shit. my heart is aching, my mind keeps thinking. ugh, its really driving me crazy.

silence, the best way to get me going haywire because i dont like periodic breaks, i dont like emotion pauses. it kills me just to be patient and... wait. waiting to be decapitated, waiting to be disposed, waiting to be thrown away, waiting to be

alone.

best of all, im doing ALL these, ALL at the same time, and im still breathing.

coz that egoistic male in me still refuses to admit i lost.

2009-07-11T19:43:00.002+08:00

the rain is falling hard outside my window, tapping the ground like many tiny people are rushing to get from point a to point b. i like the fact that now the sky is black, and the surrounding is enshrouded by darkness. the orange lights are not doing their job well enough in this rainy evening.

i just came home from swimming and gym. i had to sweat it all out. i'm still feeling really shiver-ish and unsettled. oh, i'm still trying to catch my breath.

my dog mistaken frasia as his toy. i left it on my bed and julius got it and ate it up. haha nonsense. he bit off his tail, two shoe laces, took off his shirt and pants. poor frasia, left on the floor all wet and used.

i'm starting a new blog www.squeezeyourballs.blogspot.com. however, i'm still waiting for someone to help me with the template. i suck at that. oh wells. i should equip myself with a camera, i want to make it a photoblog. something i can remember better than just plain words.

i know i'm going to sound emo saying this, i'm trying hard not to make it so emo-ish. my life don't suck, but i just screw things up pretty well. i think i should reconsider my mindset and be a better person. things just shouldn't end up this way.

at least, not like this.

2009-04-17T14:20:00.003+08:00

if there was really a right way to identify my position in this place, i would really be happy. do i want to be like those people? never wanting to come to terms with reality. i am found, but are you settled? are you still searching, for that piece of paradise on earth? who are you, what do you really want from me? is this going to be life, all the way for ever. uncertain, unaware, seeking to understand that very rule to your life. where does this head to, where will i end up standing? do i want this life, or am i just afraid? nothing is cast in stone, even the hardest rock can wear off in time. will i come to my senses before my life comes to an end. will i be with the person, who fits in completely. maybe it's you, maybe it's never been. maybe you'll become, maybe i'll find. maybe it'll end, maybe then it'll start. maybe we'll keep quiet. just waiting for time to come find us.

2009-04-11T16:27:00.002+08:00

because if this is love, i know
it doesn't matter who you're with.

because if this is love, i know
all i want for you is more than

the fact that i want you so badly.

because if this is love, i know
it's not about me, it's all about you.

because if this is love, i know
i will be able to overlook my own needs

and love you unconditionally.

because if this is love,
this should be enough.

2009-04-06T01:17:00.003+08:00

鱼 - 陈绮贞

"带不走的丢不掉的让大雨侵蚀吧

让它推想我在辩解奋不顾身挣扎

如果有一个世界浑浊的不像话

我会疯狂的哀伤

带不走的留不下的我全都交付他

让他捧着我在手掌自由自在挥洒

如果有一个怀抱勇敢不计代价

别让我飞将我温柔环绕

原谅我飞曾经眷恋太阳"

2009-03-29T14:21:00.001+08:00

It’s like dark clouds enshrouding the vision
I can barely see
Like my mind isn’t working
I can barely move my being
Entangled in self-inflicted sorrow
Nobody knows

I drown myself in alcohol
Hoping my mind would stop its function
It’s hard to look you in the eyes
When your eyes are looking
Past my sight

Walk away, shift out of my space
This is not the place for me
Let it go, let you go
I should be moving pass this phase

Entangled by affection so deep
Enshrouded by the only person I see
Like water it’s tainted
It’s never going to be clean

2009-03-09T01:18:00.002+08:00

no point speaking out your mind when no one bothers to listen. anyone who care to share this heavy load in my head? my heart feels heavy, a little aching. i'd brought this to myself. it helps to not think, it helps pretending not to care. who am i? what rights do i have? none. all these, can only be said here, for myself to listen. because it ain't that important to you. nope, not that important at all.

2009-02-08T13:37:00.000+08:00

That Connection With You

2009-02-06T13:30:00.000+08:00

Waiting For You To Come Home

2009-02-06T00:05:00.003+08:00

There's Too Many Things In The Head

2009-01-11T15:17:00.002+08:00

you can walk away from all these
move on to another phase

a whole new world.

though it doesn't feel all that safe
but it's so easy to just walk away.

will it be a step filled with regrets
does it matter if no one really cares

you stand alone
haven't you, all along?

no more facade,
just the real face

who could ever understand this?
which is more important

to understand or to be understood.

2008-12-29T00:47:00.004+08:00

MONDAY BLUES

well well, it's monday and it simply marks the end of the short 2 weeks holiday break. it has been well spent with tons of hours gaming as well as a fair share on projects. all is good to go.

nothing much to blog about yet, but i guess i just wanna say that the year is coming to an end and yes, 2009 i'm ready for you. hope we all are and that's about it. three cheers for 2008.

2008-12-10T18:20:00.003+08:00

ABOUT LIFE.

maybe when you think lesser about life, and just get on with the dailies without any questions, you'll be better off. maybe, by searching out answers to life is just an endless pursuit of knowledge, one that we will never be able to acquire. life's getting on me, and i can't control what's falling apart. but, what is there to be done, you can only helplessly watch it fall and then, pick up the pieces. it doesn't kill, but it evokes major changes, changes that are far from comfortable to bear and take. changes that close doors, but open up new paths. i'm fully aware of the obstacles in this journey, however, not fully ready to accept all the changes. life's a mystery, one that keeps us thinking. and the thing is, when you think, life just gets even weirder.

2008-10-12T12:36:00.001+08:00

不是我不明白.

2008-10-11T20:48:00.002+08:00

when will the stars shine without a care for the earthly lights seem to luminate the skies so brightly already. when will someone ever look upon the night sky and thank the stars for shining, even though most of the time, nobody notices.

2008-10-08T23:56:00.002+08:00

it proves to me once again that everything is really meant to be. it's not about how hard you try to avoid or obtain something, but if you were meant for it.

we can run away from everything, but what's meant to be will be waiting for you at the end when you come your stop.

if love isn't what is supposed to be, then love it will never be.

if this love is meant to be, no matter how hard you try to run from it, it'll knock you up repeatedly.

stop trying so hard, sometimes, by doing nothing about it,

is the best way to handle it.

2008-10-07T10:52:00.004+08:00

like they say, happiness and misery are the extreme ends in a spectrum. well, today, although i can't be at that happy end, i can be better than yesterday.

today, i choose to be happier than the day before. =) i'm happy!!!

2008-10-05T13:44:00.002+08:00

because everything doesn't matter when you're here with me. it may be raining, but to me, my life has never been brighter. it may be cold, but i'd never been so warm inside. you give me, that fuzzy warm feeling when i look at you. and when your eyes set on me, you melt me like a piece of butter. i love you, it might take time to see. but someday you will. someday you'll know, every single part of me, longs to be with you. especially the one here, beating every beat, for you.

2008-10-02T22:36:00.002+08:00

there he was, born in the light, always envied those, that stood in the dark. how he wished, he was the dark knight, one that had nothing to lose, one that had nothing to fear.

he played with fire, he toyed with elements, where does he land, here in the dark, accompanied by those he envied. how he felt like, a dream come true. how it seemed so perfect, so undeniably attractive.

nevertheless, thoughts crossed his mind, who he was, who he really is.

that's when it starts falling in. it all starts to clear up, at least, that's what he hopes.

2008-09-28T13:43:00.002+08:00

i wish i could, look through your eyes, and read your mind. so i know, where do i stand, in your heart.

i wish i could, hold your hands, and stare up at the sky. not knowing if it's wrong or right. just you and me, without a care for the world.

i wish i could, evaporate into the wind, so i could be somewhere else, not here, by myself.

i wish i could, be there with you,

until the end of time.

2008-09-26T01:53:00.003+08:00

well all things happen for a reason and in life, everything is fated.

well, probably the reasoning and throwing all responsibility to fate seems all to easy, but it's not.

so can you accept certain things in life when it just has to knock you straight in your face?

if you can, you probably accepted that in life, there are just some things that ain't gonna be smooth for you. and you'll probably be able to live in contentment, in peace.

the thing about being at peace with yourself, is definitely not easy for me.

coz i dislike it when i don't perform, as in, when i don't carry out the plans i had planned or when i didn't execute it well enough.

all these parts and parcel of life and the everyday routines, i guess, life just ain't so easy after all (if you decide to mark out every single detail according to your plan).

oh wells, so what to do? listen to my advice, ignore it and just live it. who knows, you might find that sparkle in this trench of soot.

2008-09-25T00:56:00.002+08:00

i'm a disaster, complete with devastating after effects.

i'm starcrossed, you've got to be brave to be my friend.

i'm the worst nightmare anyone can have, and i hate that.

totally.

2008-09-16T19:11:00.002+08:00

today, the sky was partly cloudy, very sunny. i lay in my bed, staring out. all my life, i've been busy figuring out how to get on with society. it's complete package together with the accompanying rules and norms. today, i chose to differ. freedom is my choice for the day. and for today, i'm not going to pretend to be the same. today, i choose to be myself.

2008-09-14T19:26:00.007+08:00

frustration,
it overwhelmed for a while.

i didn't know how, or what,
triggered this ill feeling.

maybe it was the words i heard, or read,
just suddenly, it subsided.

i could hear my heart beat,
the sound of the breeze,

i felt at peace.

everything seemed so quiet, so tranquil,

i felt brave.

i have always been afraid to be alone,
but i realised, i can live on my own.

but what about you?

you are the piece that completes me.
so how do i live on, feeling empty?

maybe this void in my life,
is the only reason for me to carry on.

it reminds me, i was completed,
and that it's left empty now,

because i love you.
more than i love myself.

that's why, i can let you go.
maybe someday, you'll realise that i'd never left.

then you'll know, even without me around,
your life, has always been,

completed.

2008-09-12T19:51:00.003+08:00

who would care, if not you.
if i should feel so down,
if i was crying.

who would care, if not you.
when i got bad results,
when i'm feeling frustrated.

who would care, if not you.
if the world came crashing down on me.

who would care, if not you.
if i stop loving you.

who would care, if not you.
if i felt miserable coz i'm waiting for you.

who would care, if not you.
who would cry, if not you.
who would.

only you would.

2008-09-12T01:35:00.001+08:00

i love you.

2008-09-09T09:24:00.002+08:00

i'm certain your eyes were looking at me
the way your head turned,
your smile, i could never forget.

you were standing so close,
but i felt you were in a distance.
you belong, to somebody else.

i would take your hand,
run away from the world,
but i know, you belong here.

i shouldn't take you away.
we're from worlds apart.
maybe that's why my heart aches.

we'll never be together.

2008-08-22T12:33:00.003+08:00

there you were, standing so close to me
i thought, i might have got you.
and it all fades like dust in the wind,
that smile i used to miss.

i'd used a million words, to explain
this feeling of love,
like dreams they always appear
in shades of gray,
you appeared in black and white.

the colours that make you real,
i'd never gotten the chance,
we're always two worlds apart
only close enough, to feel.

that smile i used to miss,
fades like dust in the wind.
i thought, i might have got you,

when there you were, standing so close to me.

2008-08-19T11:21:00.002+08:00

I LIVE IN SPIRALS.

the impressions that are laid in front
never always reveal what's laid underneath.
for the truth is always hidden from the naked eye
for the truth seeks to be found.

words never fully explain what everything's
supposed to mean
at times ambiguity gives us a tinge of hope
that silver lining in this dark gray world.

if we were to fall into a trench
never be able to reach out again
then maybe, we're all just spiraling downwards,

downwards into nothingness.

2008-08-15T08:16:00.002+08:00

SITUATIONS THAT BEG TO DIFFER

all of it, spirals downwards
into an abyss of wrongs.
once so noble, but he fell
into the trench
where everyone else is.

how can it be undone
when what's done is already done?
if there were ways
to move back the hands of time,
will he change?

right here in the trench
people seek to be filled
but the more they fill,
the emptier they get.
so where, tell me,
does all these lead us to?

time heals wounds,
scars remains scars.
shall we deny all these
and play pretence.

today, i'll smile for you.

2008-08-13T02:02:00.003+08:00

this is one of the nights when i would just listen to some sad love songs and think about life. i feel like i've wasted so much precious time worrying. in the course of my life, i feel like i've always been neglecting people that i ought to pay attention to. people whom i'm blessed with, but i failed to treasure. friends, so many smiley faces appear in my mind and i feel the ache in my heart. i don't know why, i can't just pay more attention to the people that i love. for a long time, i hadn't cry for people other than you. i guess tonight, i'm feeling really emotional. but i'm glad, at least tonight, i'm dedicating my time to the friends that i love.

2008-07-31T08:17:00.003+08:00

keep your filthy lies off my ground.

2008-07-21T10:26:00.002+08:00

YOU HAD ME.

there were times when we took the liberty
and believed in whatever that comes our way.
a point in time when we don't question about

what is and is not, because all that matters
was that we are on our way. we braved
through the fire, emerge strong. no doubts

no worries, just you and me.

2008-06-14T17:56:00.003+08:00

THE TIMES WHEN WE REMEMBERED VIVIDLY.

complacency, we all sin
but how many times we see

our lives, they pass us by.
so painful, yet powerless to contain

these moments that leave us
empty inside.

sometimes, we wish we can
turn back, these lost times

but how many times can we
wrong ourselves?

it is now, maybe never
we own ourselves.

but after we owned,
then who

who do we belong to?

2008-04-18T06:23:00.005+08:00

POCKETFUL OF SUNSHINE

i got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine. do what you want, but you're never gonna break me. the sun is on my side. i smile up to the sky. i know i'll be all right.

2008-02-15T15:18:00.005+08:00

CHANGE

invariably has been what people get used to.

people get scared when there's changes, because they love their comfort zones. but maybe we ought to give change a chance to prove, it is more than a double-edge sword. maybe. change can bring us further,

nearer to our dreams.

2007-10-19T01:23:00.002+08:00

THE PAUSE INBETWEEN RACES

a moment is all it takes for us to take the right step. life passes in a progression and regression pattern. it's an endless pursuit of a greener pasture (referring to one's character in this context). though there are times when we degrade, it does not necessarily mean the next is not an advancement.

we get lost in the midst of the race through life. we let opportunities pass. many times we forget to remind ourselves that this is what we have challenged ourselves to. our priorities are in a mess, time never seem to be on the right pace.

we pity ourselves saying life is bad.

maybe it's just the way we are, always forgetting to appreciate the downside of living. without landslides, who will ever appreciate the greatness of the big trees?

life is like running on a tread mill. you decide what you are training for and you dictate the speed and distance. there might be times when you have to stop running, it does not mean you will never get to run again. sometimes, when life forces you to stop,

it is probably because you need a rest.

2007-10-07T19:41:00.001+08:00

BREAKING THE MOULD

be the man that forgives
or suffer in silence.

the good is never easy,
for the bad tempts.

2007-10-02T12:05:00.002+08:00

THEY TALKED ABOUT WILD FLOWERS AND HERBS

we distinctively identified the issues raised. unanimously we agreed on the idea of mythological healing. we ascertained that some wonders in the world cannot be explained by science.

the sky lighting up in a luminous glow of green, the leaves turning red in autumn, the birds migrate to the south...

2007-09-15T10:35:00.001+08:00

LITTLE BOY

the little boy silently prayed by his bedside
he asked for a little time... he wants to see the sunrise.

awkwardly he moved to the windows,
orange rays were lighting up the dark sky.

his eyes were teary, his heart weary.
but he smiled to a brand new day...

people always think, "why life isn't fair?"
but half the time, they are unaware.

if you were to trade something in your life
for something that was out of it,

will you really be happier?

2007-08-24T03:02:00.001+08:00

WHEN YOU LOVE THAT GIRL SO MUCH

when you love a girl, you'll always overlook the many things that she did that go way beyond what you believe in. well, even when you feel like shit, you will still hold her hand (because you really want to) and walk with her on this journey.

now you know, it isn't love when you expect her to be someone you want her to be. certainly, you love her not because she's perfect.

she may be a riot but she's perfect, because you love her.

love doesn't require you to kill yourself or sacrifice any beliefs that you hold onto dearly. all you need is to open up your heart (and mind) and see who she really is, and love her completely for who she is.

may it be a pimple on her forehead or a habit to bite her nails everytime she's nervous.

you love her for everything that she is.

and that is..

love.

2007-07-25T03:51:00.001+08:00

STILL

i'm waiting for time to show us what true love really means.

2007-07-24T02:53:00.002+08:00

WAIT OUT

you don't know how it feels like
to walk down this street alone.

everywhere i turn, all the memories of you
every song i hear, every movement that i witness

i miss you, i still remember.

you don't know how it feels like
to be doing this alone.

how i have to carry on this
without you by my side.

love keeps us warm,
but i'm cold right now.

you don't know how it feels like
to love somebody so much

they become your life.
and you have to move away

from this harsh reality
that knocked you up.

you don't know how it feels like
when all i can do is wait

wait out this cold.

2007-07-20T22:22:00.001+08:00

WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR WAY, THAT'S WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF

i don't really know how long has it been, but i know i've finally found an end to this futile struggle. we all go through this phase, don't we? forsakened by someone you loved. but we all move on and yeah, our hearts heal eventually.

life's much better now, ever since you're gone. i stopped worrying for you, stopped having to protect and look after you. like you said, i'm not matured enough for you. guess you're right. i'm still young and there is so much for me to see and do. i can't be hanging around you like this. it all came to an end last night.

i've started thinking for myself now. there's so much i've neglected all these time while i was so caught up in you. well, like the sugababes' song, "i'm too lost in you." i guess losing you ironically, made me find myself again.

i feel, in such a long time, for myself.

i know i loved you truly, i gave you my everything. i hope you'll always remember this. now, i shall leave all these pieces behind and get going with my life. though this chapter has ended.

my life has actually just begun.

2007-07-14T18:50:00.003+08:00

BE STILL

a brand new start is all we need to mend these hearts back to the beginning. be still, let it go. you don't have to be brave. every time we fall, we are falling from grace. i'll gladly climb your walls if you'll meet me halfway.

here's my hand and my heart. it's yours to take.

2007-07-06T01:02:00.003+08:00

WE ALL PON SCHOOL

the first day of school

sharlene: edison, sheryl said she's not coming to school.
edison: why? i thought she said she won't pon liao.
sharlene: she said she fainted in the bus. hahaha.
edison: hahahaha omg.

the $%^& day of school

sharlene: edison, lay said he's not coming to school.
edison: why? he fainted too?
sharlene: no, he said his flesh is missing. haha.
edison: hahahaha. omg.

the %^&* day in school

sharlene: edison, sheryl is not coming to school today.
edison: huh? why? she fainted again?
sharlene: no. she said her ceiling fell.

omg.

2007-06-23T12:32:00.002+08:00

FAMILY

i never quite understood why we always leave the most important people behind.

right now at this moment, i just remembered.

how much i love them.

2007-06-23T03:26:00.001+08:00

THE CIRCULAR MOVEMENT THAT CAUSES HEADACHE

sometimes you twirl round in circles and you thought for once, you're headed towards somewhere. you wake up standing at the same spot, twirling round in circles all over again.

i guess it sucks big time, trapped in this vicious cycle.

my head feels so heavy like i'm filled with thoughts that i cannot empty. like they are a burden i have to carry on everyday, it gets so tiring. i feel like crying, damn, like a child who just doesn't know why he has to go through the pain he's feeling now.

maybe that's why, i'm feeling so down once again.

i don't understand much about things, seriously, i thought i did. i'm so affected by what the world expects of me. i think i can't breathe because i'm so expecting myself of trying to be someone else.

life's hard because i can't live it casually.

a moment of truth just strucked my head and i woke up, feeling foolish. like i have been running in a race that i never could win. a forceful blow into my face, telling me.

edison, wake up.

because in the end, it doesn't even matter.

i don't really care what happens but i'm still hoping for the perfect scenerio that life can give. i want to never wake up to the cruelty of this reality and remain silent in this delusion.

sucks, someone's gonna scold me again.

2007-06-01T22:42:00.001+08:00

THE GREY SKIES

i stand in amidst the people, looking at their familiar faces.
my heart's aching, i see them weeping silently.

the sky was grey; he told us not to walk on the road without our shoes.
he made it rain today, so we won't have to walk on the tar painfully.

a good man, he was. a legacy he left behind for everyone.
we can remember the times when he joked, teased the little ones.

the times when everyone will come, every weekend.
those were the things he treasured. family ties.

he'll always be remembered.
a good man, he was.

the legacy he left behind.

2007-05-18T20:47:00.001+08:00

THE PERFECT PEOPLE IN THE WORLD

people aren't perfect, but that doesn't stop us from striving to be right? i guess i'm one of those people who is constantly trying to be better. however, i guess i am also one of those that steers away from the disciplined route and deviate away from my main course.

i often feel tortured by my own sins. i guess it's a knot that i have to learn, and must, admit that i have to undo it someday. it's hard because you're moving away from your comfort zone. i like the way things are now, but part of me knows that i desire for challenges.

i want to be better. i want to do better than what i am doing now. the aims, the goals i'd set for myself, i want to achieve them by my hard work and perserverance.

i guess living without a purpose is hard. sometimes, it's so stagnant you feel as if you were dead. maybe all these goals and aims that i'd set ought to be superficial distractions that stop me from feeling dead. sadly, i know, i am very different from your average edison out there.

sometimes i feel like an alien stucked here where i don't belong. maybe it's a curse for me to see things in a deviated perspective. a perception that very few can understand.

i know what i'm doing and i know how to stop it. but somehow, circumstances challenges you to your limit. and when you crossed it, you really proceed on to the next level.

i guess i've come a very long way. i had been bad, in fact, so bad i hated myself. i guess you could really classify me as an emo kid back then.

well, i do hope that i can enhance my strengths and build on my weaknesses.

i'm striving to be perfect.

i know by the time that i'm dead, i will still not be perfect.

however so, at least, i am so much closer than if i didn't do anything at all.

what a perfectionist!

2007-04-30T20:02:00.001+08:00

THE THINGS THAT OUGHT TO BE, THAT FAILED TO MAKE US SEE

finally, a direction
a destination in sight.

it's not by coincidents or chances that choices are made
it's by you who holds the future to your destiny.

internal locus of control, such profound phrase
i guess this is what i have been searching for.
the control to who i am to be
the person i ought to be.

life is not very much about the length,
but pretty much about its breadth.
sometimes, we worry too much about what's gonna happen
whether what ought to happen, will it eventually be

the process of living is tiring
when all you think of is the destination
because it is still so faraway,
you're cheating yourself trying to get there so soon.
you're missing out the "living"
when you are busy getting there.

we often sulk about the things that we don't get
often envy those who possess what we want,
it's because we always chase after the things
that we long for, that our hearts desire
that we neglecte the things that we need
and that we've already gotten
the things that are there for us
that we've always taken for granted.

before we blame life for not giving us
the basics of living
we should really look around us
and thank life for giving the things

that we've already gotten.

2007-04-08T00:20:00.001+08:00

KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

we should all take failures with pride in our strides. we should all celebrate the wonderful failures that may one day become successes. people learn from their mistakes and from then on become better people. we pretty much learn nothing from successes, don't you think?

2007-04-02T14:17:00.001+08:00

HEROES.

there was a time when we all believed in heroes. the time when we stared up at the skies dreaming of having superpowers. i wished that i had angel's wings so i could fly amongst the clouds into the blue.

i dreamt that i flew past new york city staring down at the endless flow of cars that resembled marching ants from my perspective. people so tiny you can barely see them moving. the mountains so peaceful. the fields so green, sparkling like gold in the setting sun.

if there was a chance, a possiblity of us possessing a kind of power.

what would yours be?

2007-03-31T04:17:00.001+08:00

RETRIEVE.

i'm feeling the need to grow up again. it's like i've been restraining my thoughts by flooding my daily routines with wholesome plays. i guess i've reached my saturation point. again.

all good things have to come to an end. the ignorance act doesn't work anymore, for now.

school's starting real soon. it is a turning point for me since i'd not been a very good student in college. heh. i'm kinda anticipating the homework, projects and exams.

i guess i'm kinda lost for a while. it took quite a few incidents to wake me up. well, guess it's time to pick up the pieces.

i wanna be good.

seriously.

2007-03-23T13:26:00.001+08:00

TAKE HIM.

for you i will.

as we all looked into the skies that are blued ever so beautifully by the reflection of the seas that covered earth mostly, i can't help but wonder if there will be a silver lining behind this already-so-bright scenery.

i wish for a miracle.

sometimes we stare into the mirror for hours, looking at the person looking back at you. sometimes i realised, i don't know him at all. he looks so familiar, yet i never felt close to him. he's a distant reflection of the reflection of my true self. i no longer remember who he is.

he needs to leave.

i wish i could stab myself in the heart, bleed, and die. yes it's emo. no, i'm not acting. it's just that we all reach a point in life when you are so choked, you can't breathe. no, you can't step back and take a breather. i'm standing in the middle of a future of poison and a retreat of death.

somebody, take me away.

2007-03-13T00:06:00.001+08:00

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

no one can take you away from me.

2007-03-08T19:48:00.001+08:00

MY GIRLFRIEND

it's a winning streak,
a moment of victory that boosted his ego
he's a singular past tense of a plural future

maybe lessons ought to be learnt
what is the rightfully wrong thing that life brought us?
the benefit of the doubts.

a crystal clear view of the insatiable crave
for the only reason to believe
that one is in love because he ought to be.

the crusts that fell onto the ground
one would not noticed unless you're stringent
enough to not leave anything out.

a thrust into the chest
left the heart dead,
i guess no amount of revival potion
can revive this

leave it all behind

yeah, i want your girlfriend.

2007-03-06T02:21:00.001+08:00

PURSUIT

it's as if i'm trying to reach into this abyss of endless darkness
in search of your heart.

sometimes in the dead silence of the night
when i lie alone in bed,
i think about us
the past, the present, the future.

i guess it is a time like this
when i retreat into the hollow pretense
of truth, hoping to see through something
i wish not to see

how far will you go with me?

i know you love me,
but why can't this facade of mine
that i put up for you be placed down

again and again,
my heart is broken.

and you don't know what it really means
to be me.

it's not the importance of the certain things
that happened or never did,
it is the symbolic meaning of every single one of them

we all speak of scars being the very existence
of why we avoid the obvious
and yet, so many a time
how many of us did take the risk
again and again.

it may be a mere heartbreak,
or simply a broken promise.

but the adverse, disastrous beginning
begins again and again.

when will we learn?

i guess, we never will.

2007-02-08T19:11:00.001+08:00

PROPAGATION

if there was a way to show how much you mean to me
it's probably so complicated, it's impossible to comprehend
however so, deep in my heart, you're so important, i think
i'll probably die if i were to leave you.

the crack in the mirror wasn't an incidental issue
rather, it is a significant one that reminds us of one another

so many people entered and leave our lives
opportunities were taken, but that don't promise an end
likewise we all fall, there are times when these are crucial
for without a loss, there will never be a treasured gain.

in possession of an item, only forces one to lose control
for an item can never be yours, someone can take it away
but if you belong to the item, there is the difference
for it's you it longs for, it's you it'll stay.

everyone wishes that sadness was temporary
they cry because happiness is period
you've got an inch, but you're asking for a mile

there will never be something that truly emplifies your truth
for the truth doesn't stay true, at least, not for long.

irony that rules, contradictions that survived
the improper behavior is what truly last
something that no one can ever propagate right.

2007-01-22T21:19:00.001+08:00

SOLITAIRE

like a song without words, the melody was played in my head

i wonder if you'd ever noticed when i was hearing it

sometimes when you looked into my eyes, i wonder

if you could really see the sparkle of hope in them.

we all have cried for all kinds of reasons

i think i'd cried because of the foolish ones

but right here in my heart, i still think of you

and i will stare up at the sky thinking

if you were thinking of me too.

i love you, spoken probably a millionth time.

but i still mean it. every single word in it.

and if there was chances like those that happened in fairytales

i hope it will always happen to us, right here in reality.

like faith that we hold on to, desperately clinging on us for life.

we cling on to faith as though it was our beacon of light.

symbolic existence between love and hate,

is one that always awed the people who never understands.

a quiet breath you exhaled into my neck

a gentle caress of your hands on my face.

the sweet kiss you give me on my forehead,

the way you hugged me like i was going away.

the sweet words that bind us

will always stay.

2006-12-28T16:42:00.001+08:00

WITH YOU

the rain hadn't stopped since last few days.

dark clouds hang low, decorating the grey skies.

my heart is somewhere faraway. i think my heart is with you.

oh where have my love gone to?

leaving me cold and deserted in this drenched solitude.

my skin stings to the sense of touch.

flakes of ice frozen within my lashes, handicapping my ability to see.

is this a delusion that i manipulated upon my troublesome soul?

where is the love you promised to give?

the truth that cuts through your facade.

here i lay in the cradle of death, waiting.

a black humour someone played on me.

you lost your sense of humour, while i laughed myself into nothingness.

when the rain stops, you will be back.

where am i?

i wonder to myself.

dark clouds hang low.

zeroing the chance to see the silver lining.

where is my heart?

i think.

it's with you.

2006-11-06T17:52:00.002+08:00

THEY CALL IT A SOLITUDE BLISS

there are some things in life that we just can't seem to figure out. like why the lush roses have thorns and why pigs don't fly. most of the time we stare at the sky and wonder what exactly is the actual color of it. the sky is dark most of the time, but why aren't the stars shining as vividly as before when the cities were still quiet. we wish for the simplest thing in life but how many of them actually come true. the only reason why we live on is because we're still waiting for our wish to be liven.

in my world, roses don't have thorns and pigs fly. that's all because of you.

2006-11-04T16:49:00.001+08:00

MY SAVIOUR

like a silent sorrow that creeps in the dark. i am haunted by what we all known as guilt. it attacks your conscience, makes you feel vulnerable to justice. you plead for forgiveness, but you receive null.

a thousand words that pierced your heart as your ego is smashed. like a crystal mug that was filled with the water of life. they sink into the sands, never having a second chance to return.

there are times when you pray for someone to heal your broken heart, however long you wait, they never seem to be there.

maybe you're cursed like what they had said about you. life for you is a punishment, you live to repent.

if there is a way out, death might be the only. however hard you try, something saves you. you'll never get out of this.

when all you wish for is for a savior who would take all these pain away. at the end of the day, you cry in the night alone because,

the savior you wish for will never come.

2006-10-11T09:25:00.001+08:00

THE DAY HAS FINALLY ARRIVED

ORD LOH

it's amazing how time seriously flies. it felt like yesterday when i enlisted. haha crap. it's been a fuckin' long time alright whaha. ns is boring shit. hahahaha.

but all thanks to all my basic training squadmates like matthew, gerald. npco squadmates like seng khng, johnson, kian siang. team c collegues like everybody in the team esp iskandar who taught me the reins of being an npco in pasir ris, fadli and nazrul for looking out for me.

thank God for letting me cross the paths of these awesome people. of coz, life still goes on. and crap, it's time to grow up. haha.

a levels coming up and i'll make sure i work out something 'bout it. winsty's right, i hear ya bro. i'm making sure i don't waste time anymore. time's too precious to waste. and it's really time i start treasuring what i've always took for granted.

i wanna say a big thank you to fel, my ultimate best friend, whom i think is the only one in this world who knows me inside out. i love you girl. i really can't live without you. ahhahaha.

to all my brothers whom had made my life complete. heh i'll make sure i treat all of you better from now on. love you loads bros.

to all that cares to read my blog. thanks for always being here with me through my darkest and lowest point in life. i might not see you or hear you often, but sincerely. thank you for taking notice of me. =)

to my mum, dad and sis. sorry ah i know i haven't been home often due to work and play. haha. i love you guys so much.

and to the very special person in my life. i have been blogging about you ever since i've known you. haha. i guess you just don't realised it. =) i love you dear.

take care peeps. ciaoz.

2006-10-07T15:02:00.001+08:00

BRAINSTORM

this isn't a juvenile conflict we ought to overlook. at least, it's time to face it. you can't solve it if you'd never faced it. you can never overcome it if all you do is run.

i hate it. i fucking hate this. why does it always go back to square one when i'd proceeded with it so well. fucking brains and analysis. somebody shoot me in the head.

i wished somebody could tell me what to do. or has everybody told me what to do so many times i just don't agree to them. that's why i'm still stuck in this predicament.

how can i lose this war when i've come this far. how can i give up?

i must win this war. i must win this war. i must win.

i'll win this time.

2006-09-29T20:45:00.001+08:00

THE ORCHESTRA

we all live like muted trumpets for sometimes we cannot play in our true sound in certain pieces in our lives. a symphony requires the whole unique blend of each and every individual instrument and there are times when we will have to mute the trumpets if that is the sound required.

we have to sacrifice the small things to accomplish something greater.

likewise in life, there are times when we have to mute ourselves (not literally) in order to fit into society. however, it doesn't mean we aren't ourselves anymore.

we're simply more reserved.

the choices in life come in hordes of sudden waves. we have to decide so quickly we often regret our decision. we think too much, bother too much about other factors that we failed to realise what the heart really wants. most of the time, all we have to do is follow our hearts.

cliche, but so true.

i believe we all only have a hundred years to live. i guess for every single moment to me is a gift from God who want me to make the best out of every one of them. i love the things God have given me in life.

He have given me the best i could receive.

i see heaven when i close my eyes.
when i close my eyes, i see you.

2006-09-21T14:48:00.001+08:00

SENORITA

the view of the horizon ignites the thought of the ends of the world and provokes the mind to wander into the undiscovered lands. the need for the courage that many lack to break free from the bondage of society. the cruelty that one can be subjected to is not discrimination,

but self-pity.

the life that is casted down on each individual is unique and incomparable. one can never say one is not blessed, he's simply not appreciating what he's got. we envy what people have and never once looked at ourselves and truly be contented.

we are egoistic, selfish people i must say.

many taunted others because they are insecured. they reject alternate ideas and beliefs because they are afraid. they fear for the fact that one day, their life might change just so sudddenly.

the efforts towards a beautiful life is ruined.

because when i think of you, i know someday, my life will be completed.

2006-09-12T14:02:00.001+08:00

IGNORAMUS

a fine line of distinction between love and lust. a subtle difference in tampering with the notation of playing with fire. taking a break, breaking up. there is no clear definition as to what is meant to be.

no one understands.

they call it retail therapy. some call it a waste of money. what is bought filled us up with a sense of hope of being beautiful. such profound ideology brought up from a simple feministic hobby.

how can i cast you aside like a forgotten dream when all that i dream of is for you to be here with me.

2006-09-10T14:46:00.001+08:00

SCREAM

he embarks on a journey through silence. a momentum that built up with the years of observation. he sins along the way. he learns and grows wiser. like an old tree that conjures up spirits. like a saint who commits no sins. the distinction of purity lies not from what he does or where he comes from, but the very impregnable fortress that lies from within him. as long as the light shines from within, it will be pure. there's no requirement to acknowledge the right and wrong for as long as the insides are pure. nothing tainted will be shown.

where the sins grow roots and bloom. somebody has to chop it off. for the heart and soul has a freehold to grow, where sins will bloom and overtake. no amount of anything can kill the wraith growing inside for it lies within the impregnable fortress that forbids anything from entering. a light that shines through walls and veins. a love that fights in tons of wars. a knight that stands in silver armor.

a man that lives without regrets.

2006-08-29T11:58:00.001+08:00

WHAT DAY IS IT

the water lilies drifting in the pond while the blue sky and clouds hanged above. i stand in the middle of these fields with endless boundaries. like a dream that kept us alive, the wind blew by. there you are standing right next to me holding my hand. how wonderful it feels to just have you by my side. with nothing else to worry, with just you here in my heart. all else doesn't matter, all else doesn't matter.

as long as you love me.

2006-08-27T11:16:00.001+08:00

THE SWEET LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE

the late nights we stayed up together just waiting for each other to fall asleep even though we are miles apart. the times when you would call to say good night. the days when we always wait for the days when we would see each other. the moments when there was no need to speak because we both know. we love each other so much that if either one was to leave, we'll never be complete.

how long has it been since love has knocked on my door. how long has it been since you'd knocked on my door. i don't keep track of your footsteps because i don't want to follow anymore. i'm always left behind in the race when everyone else's so far in front. i don't want to lose to you.

i want to win you. i want to be the one carrying the trophy in front, while you follow close behind. i'd rather it be like that. because this will never happen. i'll always walk beside you.

everytime i close my eyes and saturate my mind with your smiles.

i know deep inside.

you are all that i ever wanted.

2006-08-24T21:40:00.001+08:00

ACCIDENTAL DROPLIGHT

some people believe that love happens when it's least expected. we all accidentally fall in love. and of coz it's out of goodwill as we all know that all actions are justified in the name of love. but there are times when we end up at the lowest point in our lives and love never seems to appear. we start questioning if cupid's slacking somewhere or it's simply not the right time for love to appear. we pick ourselves up, we get used to being alone. well singlehood has its pros and cons. at least, there's only me, myself and i to worry about. isn't it?

love makes us laugh, love makes us cry. most of the times love fills us up, but there are times when love leaves us empty. leaves us all broken and alone. everytime a heart breaks, a star fades in the sky. but everytime a heart is mended, a star is reborn. whenever you look up at the sky, you'll see stars. sometimes you don't because the sky is too bright. simply not meant for the naked eyes to view. some things are meant to be seen not with our eyes, but with our hearts.

we fill ourselves up with cliche sayings. but isn't it just wonderful to simply believe? to forgive and trust again. to love, and be loved again. second chances are the most beautiful gifts we can give to somebody else. but at the end of the day, why can't we just pamper ourselves a little and give ourselves a second chance?

everytime we lose our faith, it means a cut off from happiness. and when we lose faith in ourselves, there's nothing much we can accomplish anymore. pick up the broken pieces and cast them aside. there's so much more awaiting for you to discover and find.

if you want love,

believe.

2006-08-21T13:37:00.001+08:00

MOTIONLESS

imagine how it'll be like if the stars were to start falling from the skies and when we gaze up, we see a furious shower of bright lights luminating the whole dark night. imagine how it'll be like if we were to travel in the spaceship amongst this shower of fire globes, how exciting it'll be if you and i were to go through it together. how wonderful it is to go through the ups and downs with you.

you stood out amongst the sea of souls, the only one that drew all my attention to. but you aren't here tonight, and i'm in this sea all alone. the crowd drowned my emotions, the music emplified my delusion. the alcohol drunk my sanity, you crowded my entire being. no matter how i try to cast it all out, i cannot for i can never live without you. no, never without you.

a slam on my head against the hard wooden wall, i cannot bleed, my life is still unwanted. i'm painfully walking this road i'm on, struggling to keep up with something i could never comprehend. oh heavens open your door, let this poor soul in just for a little while. so he can rest his troubled soul in the comfort of the angels.

and when i think of you, i find my peace within. because you are my savior, you are my soul companion. if i keep your presence in my heart

i live.

2006-08-20T15:46:00.001+08:00

LIVE

the walk towards the twilight forces you to keep your eyes squinted. you can barely make out what's coming at you, to put it crudely, you're half-blind. that's how love makes you. it's like staring at the light and just heading towards it because you're enjoying the warmth of love, the lighted future it brings. love makes you do the craziest things. and it's always justified in the name of love.

likewise a prayer, we hold in our hearts hopes and dreams that we long for to be alive. the reasons we breathe, the reasons we live. we hold in our hearts hopes and dreams that not only long to be alive, but are also the very source that keeps us alive.

if life was easy, it wouldn't have been so enriching, so promising. if life was easy, well, living wouldn't have been such a great thing after all.

all the hopes and all the dreams that i hold in my heart, i long for you. because in your eyes i see

what true love means.

2006-08-19T16:10:00.001+08:00

LAVENDER

it's like watching cars rushing on the highway as you stroll down the sidewalk so far away from the road. you tilt your head and gaze at the night sky, counting stars. the breeze swept across your face gently coupled with a little scent of lavender in this winter night, you find peace. the purple flowers blooming across the fields, gentle flakes of snow falling. such a beautiful sight.

the silent whisper of your voice in my head as i tucked my hands in my jacket. i wonder how it'll be if you're here with me. just the two of us sitting on the purple fields holding hands. it'll be wonderful, wouldn't it?

i walked this path never trying to find out where i'm going because living is a process and the end will be whatever it will be. i don't want to care if it's gonna stop snowing or the lavenders gonna wither or the stars might fade.

there'll always be a time when it's gonna snow again, lavenders gonna bloom again, the stars gonna shine again. just like the both of us, there'll be a time when it's just the two of us again. just you and i sitting on the purple fields gazing at the quiet night sky

with you holding my hands.

2006-08-17T16:52:00.002+08:00

THE MONSTER THAT ATE JELLYBEANS

unlike the tyrant that baked ham on the stove,
the monster ate jellybeans.

he finished the bottle, watching mad tv.
his favourite was the greens.

like the angel that has six wings,
the monster has six arms.

he used one arm to hold the other arm.
the other two arms to hold the two other arms.

because he is a monster,
he needed self-control.

the other day when he forgotten where he placed the jellybeans,
he overthrown the russian kingdom, looking for it.

and the russian king ordered the knights of amsterdam
to slay the monster who ate jellybeans.

the monster threw a couple of jellybeans on the ground
and summoned the jellyking.

the jellyking ate up the knights of amsterdam
and asked the monster if he wanted more jellybeans.

the monster said yes,
why would he say no to jellybeans?

he took the new bottle of jellybeans
and headed back to his couch.

there he sat, eating jellybeans.
watching mad tv.

this is what i call a mad entry.
and if you read it heh.

you're mad.

2006-08-16T09:04:00.001+08:00

I WAS TRAPPED IN THE MANSION

it was damn scary can. i had nightmare again! i was attending a case at this mansion and i got lost. yupz. all alone and this little girl kept following me. ugh she appeared to me like translucent figure that disappears as soon as i saw it. freaky.

i walked in circles for gawd knows how many times and i can never get out of the mansion. the ghosts blinded me. and guess what, my mum came and saved me. :D

but she left soon after coz she had to hurry home.

i was alone outside and managed to get to some nearby marketplace. there were alot of people. weird looking. they looked dead. and it was hazy like fuck. haha. yes you can see the haze. someone told me it's because it was the first day of ghost fest. hmm.

i saw people fighting. yupz a female supermodel and her boyfriend fighting a bunch of police officers. they got caught in the end and i ended up in the front seat of the minivan.

bad thing happened in the van. the girl was trashing the officers behind. she literally chewed on one of them! ugh. the boyfriend disappeared..

and i woke up.

i hate nightmares.

2006-08-15T17:30:00.001+08:00

I DREAMT THAT I WAS DEAD

and i was in netherworld. yea i know i'm weird to dream of such stuffs but.. haha my dreams are more exciting than yours! BOO. anyway, i dreamt that my sister and max were there too. lol. i bet it's because max told me to kill him, no wonder i'm dreaming of him dead. as for my sister, well, she probably just dropped by.

anyway, the three of us were scouting this weird building. damn it looks like our average building only must more sleek and hi-tech. gawd. but this place feels dark. there's just something about this place that keeps reminding you that this is the netherworld.

we came across this mama shop. ah yes, and i was hungry so i left them and went to look for stuffs to buy. i browsed for a very long time and ended up with just a packet of bundung. i know it's stupid but whatever, i just felt like drinking it. hahaha.

it was very nicely packed. brown recycled material and pink flora prints and the word bundung. it's very pretty. haha but the stupid thing is it doesn't come with a straw. and ya, i didn't bother getting one from the auntie too.

i rushed to look for max and my sister but they seemed to have wandered off pretty far. i did saw them walking out of the room and walking off in different directions, but i realised that those are holograms that were reanimated to give me clues as to where they have gone. great. it kinda freaked me out a little seeing holograms moving.

just then, max and his friend came back from wherever they went and i overheard them say this. "if your butt has a tattoo. it means you have to go to school."

right after that, we're transported to some place with bright sunny sky and greengreen greens. there is a very high highway though. max asked if i realised that this highway never ends. i looked and agreed. and somewhat deep inside, i realised the irony of death.

i came back here and live again.

and this time, it sucks bigger time because they have stupid tracking devices making sure you do what you have to do! (including going to school) and if you don't perform your tasks, you'll be punished.

ugh. netherworld is scary.